After my dead at the hand of my country’s domestic enemies, white supremacists, and other cancers of society; I developed a new sense of justice. A new discover, and another, and another. Let me now share my discoveries.
For most of my life, I was a child, looking up to the world, or more specifically my world. The world is quite large, and huge in too many dimensions. Somewhere in those infinite dimension exists our little world. I was a Vietnamese refugee/immigrant/expat living in the land of the free. Well it was land of the free at some point. It is still called the United States of America, however, it’s missing most of the essence of Americans Ideals.
One day that world that was mine, attacked me. At first I keep asking what can I do better. What have I done wrong. Eventually those thoughts brought me to a black abyss, something beyond the imagination of man. Only those who have experienced it can relates. Imagine you’re falling. You’re falling in total emptiness. There are no lights. No references and no sensation of kind. You know it’s completely dark, but dark cannot describe it. You have to call it total emptiness. You’re falling in this emptiness and you know you’re going to die and waiting to find the bottom of this emptiness. yet, you keep on falling and falling. Continuously dying as you fall. I suppose dying an infinite death comes close to summing it up. Or perhaps constantly dying is more apt.
I am an addict for knowledge and experience, and by my late 30s, I have accumulated more knowledge that most parents wants their children to experience. Many of which, sharing has no values, so I will try to take some secret into the grave with me. I could justify it with no one is perfect etc, but I am not the sort to justify things done. I have done bad things as well as good things in life. I am glad to share that for the most part, I avoid doing bad things and seek to do the good things for myself and others. More often than not it has been good for others more than myself. So when I first experienced what is known as an anxiety attack, it had no idea what it is.
I thought I was dying, I felt I died, I know I was no breathing, and then I was able to breath and the sense of alarm and urgency is of incredible magnitude. I dialed a person whom I respected the most, I needed help, however I have no fucking clue what that help is.
So the the wise old man told me I had experienced a panic attack or anxiety attack. For doctor, they have neatly divided up the two labels, but for most people I think it’s safe to lump them together as one unpleasant ride. He said to stop whatever I am doing or thinking and call this number. Get a pen and write this down. Call it and talk to them. It was the crisis hotline for veteran or military. So I called, and they wanted to to show me that they care about me and that they are there to help. Then I asked what they can do, and they told me they can listen. I somewhat came back to myself a little when they told me they cannot change anything, they cannot do anything, they cannot act on my behalf, they cannot help.
For an average person who never accomplish anything, it may be good enough to have someone listen to you. I like to think that I am not average. There’s objective indicators that I am not average, but if I keep going I would just self identify myself as a grandiose motherfucking megalomaniac. There is indicator of that I am sure, I earned a certificate of narcissism from a phd level psychiatrist. That must mean something in some circle. Being that which I am…and it should be expounded… that which I am is a Vietnamese man who was born with nothing, did not have enough to eat for the first 9 years of my life, every toy I had was hand build by him. The only commercial toys I get to see and touch are the ones owned by neighbors and other kids. By 7, I already bus table, sold cigarette and other works. Before leaving Vietnam in 1989, he has already engaged in rolling, cutting, and packing cigarette. My net worth never crossed zero. I don’t think my dad believed in paying for child labor, but using child labor is ok. Cleaning beer bottle, and packing beer into them. Helped any any way, shape or form. I even offered opinions to adults by the age of 7, and usually I get chased out of the area. “Adults are talking” they say. By 1995, my entire family became naturalized citizen of the United States of America. My dad already saved up enough to start a tailoring and alteration shop for my mother. Then shortly started a auto repair center for himself. I being the model puppy of a child, helped in both businesses. Offering labors and ideas as usually. Some kids never learn you know, to keep his mind shut. Sometimes they grow up to be genius or somebody, but that’s beside the point.
By the time I joined the US Air Force in 2002, I was already a commander of two small businesses. Compared to the workers my parents hired, I was the royalty. I made the decisions for men in their 40s, and I was only 23. I am sure there were frictions and conflicts of opinions, but there was no doubt who make the decisions in the business. During the 2002-2013 when I worked to defend the safety of the United States of America, I was observing the details with the eyes and mind of a young CEO. Most of my peers were people who never held any position of power before. There were also others who came from parents with business, and 1 guy who was a business owner. You know right away when you’re talking to a business owner. I tend to anyway, I don’t know about everyone else. Toward 2008-2013, I started being assigned management duties and roles in the military. Some I volunteered for, some they just needed a warm body to pin responsibilities on so they can report to the “government” that they did their job because they assigned someone to the job (usually it’s protecting something, machine, people, and sometimes just opinions, like top secret opinions). From 2013, I was a very powerful person in Thailand. To the local authority, I represented the greatest military power in the world. Carrying a black passport like James Bond, driving vehicle with diplomatic plates, that just scream don’t fuck on me. Not like Mr Chow jumping out of the car naked swinging a crowbar, but it carries the same message. This Asian dude should not be fucked with. It’s not just the status that’s important though, I fixed issues that the US Air Force failed to fix for 60 years since being there.
Racial equality in Thailand is a non existing concept. When I arrived, I noticed a great many little and big thing. I fixed most of the issue I found. For the Americans as well as for the Thai. The Thai commander down to the gardener understand and respected me for all the improve I made to their work. My first two years representing American, I was the ugly American. It took two years of working 10 hours day, and consistently supporting all the workers — to be respected as a person. The local nationals have been around for 20 years, and every 2-4 years, they receive a new white Americans that shows up telling them how Thailand should be. Americans comes and goes, and the Thai remained. They just tolerate Americans because we pay 1 millions to support their salary, and another millions to spend on our American operation. I was always a trusting individual, and it was a hard to think people refuse to trust you for 2 years just because you are American. There are too many issues to list but I will just pull some big one out. The first thing I noticed was the Americans were asking the local employees to climb tower, and pole; but refused to provide training. It’s pretty clear from the USAF and US government perspective that you have to provide training to prevent stupid deaths. It took me several years to drive this through to the decision makers who do not want to have their name on a piece of paper that say they are responsible for the lives of people working on their property. They act as if by not signing the safety program, that they are not responsible for the death of people working for them. The other glaring issues was the condescending treatment of the Thai locals. I walked into a the chief of maintenance office, and noticed it’s pretty hot. I said it’s pretty hot in here, why don’t you turn on the A/C. The entire team found it funny, because I am so clueless my work area, our work area. They told me that they do not get A/C, only the Americans has A/C. I thought that was a mistake. I pulled out the engineering drawing and asked my partner, who designed this. It was another young American who was assigned the task of designing office space, and construction project (without training or experience). Minus all the other complaints I have about layout and doors in the wrong places, the bastard determined that his Thai coworker do not deserve to have A/C, but he does. There 4 Americans, with 3 offices next to each other with doors to the hall and doors through each other’s office. All 3 has A/C. The Thai coworker has 5 guys 2 offices, and not a single A/C for them. White supremacy works in mysterious ways, but not it’s not too hard to pick out if you understand just a little bid of human history and the imperial and colonial dominance on Asia.
One other minor adjust was the cost sharing of the coffee. Americans always has their coffee in the morning. It’s like standard status and luxury. I don’t really need to have coffee, but if it’s there I am getting a cup, and another. (Later on my doctor told me coffee keep my ADD at manageable level). The Thai workers were all tasked with putting in part of their salary to pay for the coffee fund. I told my team that all the workers has to pay for the coffee, and they earn less than us, so my team all agreed to put in part of our income to support the coffee fund. I even spoke to the big boss on the Thai team, and convince him to implement a sliding scale where the lowest paid employee pay the least into the coffee fund. The American will take up part or all of the cost for the coffee. You would think after 60 years of operating in Thailand, the Americans would have demonstrated the traditional American values to its allies. (I am a very jaded American, but there is such a thing as American ideals, it’s just buried pretty deep under white supremacy, or simple negligence for the most parts).
When there are very difficult issues that the Thai decision makers cannot fix, they sometimes seek me out to help move an issue toward closure. This is in part due to my ability to understand the position
American laws and ideals does not tolerate treating people badly or as inferior human. Over years, it has gone wrong, but here are still many Americans who understand how to treat people.
With all those understanding and capacity, how should I take it, when a group of people conspiring or not, tells me to accept inhumane treatment and to keep taking it.
I could try explaining and start a dialogue like any decent person. Which I did in 2005, 2008, and again in 2013. Like back in Nam in the 70s, I was told to shutup and do as I am told. Except not by adults talking to children, but this is white people talking to Asian.
After being detained illegally between May 1 – October, I thought that was enough. The panic attack was the last straw. If I allowed the situation to continues, I may be too dead to kill my enemy. If I am going to die, I must take as many of them down as I could. Calling a crisis line, and crying about how the white man is stomping his boot on my face constantly wasnt going to stop any boot to face scenarios. What was it that Orwell said? “If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face–forever”. These white supremacists, domestic enemies of America, wants to stamp their boot on my face–Forever was not going to happen. I was not going to keep my head down, and lie helpless on the ground as they stamp their boot on my face.
I called up one of the idiots in charge, SMSgt Michael Lindley. A short guy, who spent his career in the Air Force as a police (the low IQ compartment of the military), his first words to me were, you think you can take on me? I didnt have a reply for it, but that was just a dumb thing to say on a greeting with a stranger. It was a bad attempt at humor, and a bad test for whatever character traits he’s looking for. If he was smart enough, he should have got the answer before he met me. My intelligence and performance is on file. I do not back down from bully and blackmail, pulling authoritarian rules and threatening me was never going to work. I was very capable of fixing many issue, that would mean killing whoever needed killing. It used to cost me just $0.25 to have someone shot, and that’s about the cost of the bullet. The inflation and lost of relationships, my cost to kill a person in the US is probably at $50,000. The FBI is probably going to wonder, how and where do I go order a hit. It’s not in my head, it’s an estimate. If anyone else is wonder about going this route and wonder how, you cant really go on google and search for a hit man. Usually successful hit are ordered by people who already trust each other. No above average person would go searching for a random hitman. The first issue is there’s no trust, and the second issue is the likelihood of meeting an FBI agent is astronomically higher than finding an actually hitman (which is so bad at his job, he cant do the job anyway). So we met at a metal bench outside the top secret facility. He smiled and greeted me as if we’re some buddy. It’s sometimes in September or October now, I am no longer playing his stupid game. No smiles, no pretense of respect or cordiality.
I said, “I booked my flight to go back home to my family on this date. You do whatever you want, but if I do not get to leave, we will have a different problem.”
He’s a military police, with 20 years in the military, he knows I am not there to debate.
Within 24-48 hours, all the documents were pencil whipped, forged, and I was released from military. You got nurses pretending to be doctor signing where they needed a doctor to sign. You got the prosecutor team member pretending to be defense attorney representing me. I had thought that they had wise up to their folly and stop try to destroy my life. But even after I leave, they still did their best to destroy my life by making false claims that I was plotting to overthrow the US government, trying to flee to China to sell national security, and probably many things I have not seen. I have not seen much, they had gone about libel and defamation without allowing me to face my accusers. They wanted me to sign a waiver for inalienable rights. waiver for knowing what my accuser is saying about me. waiver for having a fair trial.
Hey, if the constitution is no longer in effect, that mean I can reciprocate or inflict whatever I feel like it upon them and their family. I grew up in nam, I am somewhat familiar with jungle rules and jungle warfare. I even have a little bit of exposure to the laws on the street of Los Angeles. I can play ball. Not the top pick, but I can also play ball. Especially when there’s no rules.
So since 2013, I have done heavy meditation onto the issue of racial war. Why did the Red skin lost, and why did the Black skin lost. How is it that Vietnam managed to remain standing, while so many nations and groups have been exterminated. I cannot say I have all the answers, but I can say I have looked at a few.
The main cause for many of the extinct group, is due to their proximity to their enemy. I was reading about Haiti, and why they have to do business with the US. They really do not have any other choice, being adjacent to the US, and the closest enemy of the US is oceans apart. They suffer the same geolocation problems as Cuba. Too close to the enemy, and too far from friend.
Vietnam was facing similar issue with China for over 1,000 years, but it’s completely as independent. Vietnam had to pay tribute by sending female and resources to appease the great China. Sometimes the goliath that is China would go over and stomp on Vietnam as punishment for doing something they do not approve. It goes back and forth, and Vietnam would have to prove every now and then, that if they die, they are going to take as my of their enemies with them as they could. This back and forth continues until the great western power showed up and stomp everyone in Asia. The great purge of all resistances went on for a century. As with all human suffrage (the right to speak, to exist, so to speak), there’s a blood cost to it. Many died, and many lived. Without those who died, those who lived may not be living at all.
Take my chickens for example, they don’t have a voice. I had 3 chickens, I tolerated them for a while. then I decided they are too troublesome so I decided to make dinner out of them. I managed to kill one, but the other two sleep too high on the tree for me to easily catch. So I ate one, and left 2 because it was too hard to kill. I tell my wife, and later my kids, this. In life, there are many animals. Try not to be the chicken on someone else’s dinner plate. One must work hard to improve a position of negotiation, to have a voice on existing. The weak and helpless may not get a say on living or dying, just like that chicken we killed.
In more than one way, Vietnam proximity to the wester power have saved it from extinction. Believe me when I say that the white supremacists back in 1950s has no issues with pushing the local population of Vietnam into the ocean if they could, and bringing in new workers and servants to occupy the land. It was just a matter of too much work. One only has to look at Hiroshima and Nagasaki exterminations to understand the depth of human hearts, or the heart of white supremacy. They nuked the helpless Japanese, and then invite them to the US so the doctor can collect scientific data on unwilling human experiments.
I was pretty sure that I am going to need an army to be heard. My English would not win any academic awards, but I know it adequately explains the issues. I know the white supremacists heard the warning, I told them to stop fucking on me, and they laughed and shit on me for thinking I have a voice in this world.
Harvard professors may tell you that anyone who can organize will win in America. That’s a lie. Go stand in front of Martin Luther King’s tombstone and meditate on that.
Go stand at the tombstone of Muammar Gaddafi and meditate on that. The tombstone of Saddam Hussein. Stand on the tombstone of Ngo Dinh Diem and ask him organizing successfully failed.
Being brought up by Americans, I learned a lot. Enough to talk to myself and argue with myself. I got stuck in gridlock on what’s right and wrong, and when I can kill and when I cannot. Who approve of killing, who does not. Some say killing is never right. Some claim the great Buddha would never allow killing. (I can tell you that’s not true. Buddha is a very enlightened individual, he would never say you can never kill). I thought of how to win a debate on this issue or that issue. On the issue of revenge, injustice, and unapproved / unsanctioned behaviors, I have devised a mean to settle debate with people who wants to debate everything instead of stopping injustice. I share this so that you, who are without power understand why it is so hard to debate some of the injustice you face.
Invite your opponent on a boat, and park at the deep end of the ocean. Tie your opponent up, so that hands and feet cannot be used. Toss them over the side, and have a grand discourse on right and wrong. Debate any racial injustice that seemingly has no end to their debates. I am certain, that they will be enlightened sooner or later.
The trouble with debates as you have the boot stamped on your face is easily understood. You’re not in a position to debate. Conversations are things decent people have among each other, to share and work towards a better world where people can live together without fear.
When you’re debating with people who thinks you should live in a world where you can end up as dinner, you’re simply not wise enough in the way of the world. I would enlighten you if the opportunity arises, but I tend to save my time and energy for activities with relevant impact on issues I am fixing.
As the 4th generations of a group that was devastated and became diasporic, I understand the power gap between myself and the more established white supremacists. My words of wisdom to anyone who wants to claw their way out from under the stamp of the boot, is to understand the law of reciprocity. Then to apply it, one must understand the use of force. Force is colloquially known as guns, violence, punching, kicking etc. It is not necessary so. Force here must be expanded to includes the broadest sense of the word. Force as a form of energy, frequency, and vibration. There’s a lot more to it than current debate, but your inquiry into the use of waveform to interpret reality will vastly improve your understanding of works and what does not.
I will apply it to one example, just as a demonstration of thoughts in action. in the oceans, a wave rises up 6 feet and crashes down. You can be under the, far away from it, on top of it, or having a mean to obliterate it. The wave is going to do what it will do. You can do this with a small bowl of water, and can likely shift the wave to change direction. With other waves, like in the Pacific or Atlantic, you may not know how to move that 6 foot wave, not yet anyway. These are the various forces at play, the more you can observer, learn, and command the more impact you can have on whatever you’re doing.
If you’re every drowning, the last thing you want to do is a debate. Remember that. Talk is very cheap, especially compared to your life. Stay alive, and talk later.
This post was originally published on Radio Free.