New Matilda is still trying to work out how we might incorporate Artificial Intelligence into our stubbornly independent operations. Work in progress. While we ponder, editor Chris Graham finds a useful ‘purpose’, if you happen to believe that your future is written in the stars… by hippies and charlatans.

I’m going to let New Matilda readers in on a little secret… and if you’re also a regular reader of the Daily Mail, the Daily Telegraph, the Sunday Telegraph, or the Herald Sun, then, firstly, wtf are you doing here? And secondly, you might want to sit down for this.

Jonathan Chainer, the high-profile British astrologer who provided horoscopes for those publications for several decades, was a fraud. You know, like all astrologers are.

How do I know this? And why am I telling you this now?

Well, to answer the second question first, because Cainer died in 2016, and dead men can’t sue. Not even ones with ‘mystical astrological powers’.

As for the first question, in the early 2000s, Cainer approached a close friend of mine, who was a quite successful tech boffin. Let’s just call him ‘Kevin’.

Cainer asked Kevin if he could write him some computer code that could support a “random sentence generator”.

And why, might you ask, would any self-respecting astrologer want software that could randomly generate words?

Well, because Chainer could then just hit a button, and wander off for a chardonnay down the local while his computer generated the stars for the unsuspecting readers of the aforementioned publications.

Of course, in 2004, AI wasn’t anywhere near capable of generating coherent sentences, yet alone ‘believable’ (a term I’m obviously using very loosely here) astrological predictions. Thus, Kevin politely informed Jonathon that it couldn’t be done. At least not in a way that wouldn’t expose him for the gigantic Pommy fraud that he was.

So Jonathan went away disappointed, but asked Kevin to never disclose what they’d discussed. Unfortunately for Jonathan… Kevin disclosed. To me.

Sorry to potentially ruin the ‘legacy’ of a ‘much respected astrologer’ (again, I’m using the phrase ‘much respected astrologer’ loosely), but the truth will out, as they say.

In any event, 20 years later, and eight years after Jonathan’s timely demise from a heart attack at the tender of age 58 (given how much fried food he obviously ate, you didn’t need an astrologer to predict that outcome) we can now do what Kevin couldn’t. We can generate random sentences that make sense.

And so, without further adieu… New Matilda has employed (at the bargain basement rate of $20 USD per month) ChatGPT 4.0, who will, among other things, generate us a weekly astrology column. Because, why not? ChatGPT is going to be as ‘accurate’ as any human could be, but he/she will take one-gazillionth of the time, and cost considerably less.

This week, we asked ‘Mortimer Moonbeam: The Cosmic Charlatan’ (that’s the name ChatGPT came up with, so is the image) to focus on politics, climate change and asylum seekers. We also asked Mortimer to be ‘funny’… and I’ll concede that on that front, AI still some work to do.

Anyway, here goes literally nothing….

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This week, Aries, as Mars fuels your fiery disposition, you’ll feel a sudden urge to run for office, even if it’s just the president of your local environmental club. The stars predict a debate on climate change that could get heated. Remember, even though your passion is admirable, not everyone appreciates being told to compost their sneakers. Channel your energy into constructive activism, and you might just inspire a change—starting with biodegradable footwear.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus, your steadfast nature means you’re often mistaken for a statue at protests. This week, your challenge is to move—literally and figuratively. The planets suggest a creative approach to political engagement. Why not start a garden where each plant represents a policy change you support? It’s green, peaceful, and subtly persuasive. Just beware of overwatering your aspirations; not every issue can be solved with homegrown tomatoes, no matter how juicy.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh, Gemini, your ability to argue both sides is legendary, but this week you’ll find yourself in a debate with a mirror. Climate change is on your mind, and you’re ready to talk about it with anyone who’ll listen (including inanimate objects). Your dual nature could serve you well in politics, as long as you remember which side you’re on today. Hint: It’s the one advocating for renewable energy and equal rights for asylum seekers.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Home is where the heart is, Cancer, and this week, your heart is with those seeking a safe haven. As the moon waxes, consider opening your doors for a meeting about asylum seeker support. Just remember, while it’s great to be the emotional backbone for every lost soul, don’t let your living room become a permanent resettlement camp. Sometimes, support means helping others find their own strength (and their own housing).

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, you love the spotlight, and this week it’s on you as you accidentally become a viral sensation for your climate change rap battle. While your intentions are noble, ensure your message isn’t lost in your dazzling performance. Politics may be a stage, but remember, it’s the policies, not the pyrotechnics, that create real change. Your fiery energy is needed, just maybe not in the form of a mixtape.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This week, Virgo, your meticulous nature will lead you to create a comprehensive plan to save the planet, one recycled paper at a time. While your attention to detail is commendable, beware of getting lost in the minutiae of municipal recycling policies. Sometimes, you need to zoom out and see the forest for the trees—preferably a forest you’ve helped plant. Your political acumen could be a game-changer if you remember that action often speaks louder than policy proposals.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libra, your quest for balance this week sees you mediating a heated debate between climate change activists and skeptics. Your diplomatic skills are unparalleled, but even you might find this challenge daunting. Remember, achieving harmony doesn’t mean convincing the ocean to compromise with the coastline on sea-level rise. Focus on creating dialogues that lead to actionable compromises, and you might just bring a little more balance to the world.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio, your intensity is your strength, especially when it comes to advocating for asylum seekers. This week, your passion could lead you to stage a one-person sit-in at a political office. While your dedication is admirable, remember that change often requires allies. Consider recruiting a few like-minded souls to your cause—just ensure they’re as committed as you are, or you might find your sit-in turning into a solitary meditation session on the power of persistence.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Adventurous Sagittarius, this week you’re inspired to travel the world… via Google Earth, in a quest to understand global climate change impacts. While virtual tourism is eco-friendly, don’t forget to step outside and take action locally. Your natural enthusiasm for exploration can be channeled into political activism, perhaps starting with a campaign to make your neighborhood more welcoming for asylum seekers. After all, change begins at home—or at least in your local community.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn, your ambition often means you’re climbing mountains, both literally and metaphorically. This week, as you plot your path to political power, remember that every successful campaign needs a solid foundation. And no, we’re not just talking about your hiking boots. Tackling climate change starts with small, sustainable steps. Perhaps begin with a pledge to reduce your own carbon footprint before you try to save the world. Lead by example, and others will follow.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius, you’re all about innovation, especially when it comes to solving the world’s problems. This week, you’ll have a breakthrough idea for combatting climate change: convincing everyone to live in biodomes. While your heart’s in the right place, remember that practical solutions often trump utopian visions. Focus on realistic political actions, like supporting green technology and fair policies for asylum seekers. Save the biodomes for your sci-fi novel.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, your empathetic nature means you feel the world’s woes deeply, from climate change to the plight of asylum seekers. This week, you’re moved to express your concerns through interpretive dance. While your performance art will touch hearts, ensure your message translates into action. Sometimes, a well-placed petition can be more effective than a thousand dance moves. Channel your creativity into campaigns that make a tangible difference, and you’ll truly move the world.

The post Meet Mortimer Moonbeam, New Matilda’s New AI Astrologer, Who Is As Accurate (And Full of Sh*t) As Any Human One appeared first on New Matilda.

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