By Roni Roseberg

Like so many facets of life, social media is sharply divided on themes of gender roles: men and women’s roles in and outside the home.

There are a number of self-styled gurus giving advice – with more men than ever sharing their two cents.

It’s as if men, who would have preferred to tout power washers, have suddenly found a voice.

They’ve begun to talk about emotions and what a “wonderful thing division of the sexes is”, outdated as it may be, so they can be “real men.”

To be fair, I also see some men who have had an awakening (admittedly often after a divorce) and have some reasonable, albeit quite basic, advice to offer.

Many women, conscious women I’d recognise from women’s groups, the teachers’ lounge, and the therapist’s office, are also present with something salient to say.

The contrast is palpable.

The men are in grade one, while the women have doctorates in the school of life.

Well, if some thinking and awakening are going on amidst the dialogue, it’s a good thing.

For all of the changes since the 70’s, let’s say, women are still doing most of the housework and most of the initiating of communication.

The first point has been studied and quantified (confirmation here for the UK and the same for women in the USA).

The second, which is tough to document, is based on what women tell me.

My “sample” is not huge, but it seems to be universal. We women are still charged with being society’s emotional caretakers.

I could take my degree in anthropology and do a study, getting myself in trouble, speculating that males have some inherent characteristics based on DNA, but people don’t like talk of possibly immutable characteristics.

That premise belies hope, which we all want to have. And I could be wrong.

One theme that I have seen again and again, among people of all perspectives, is that people like nice people better than grumpy ones.

“You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything”. “You don’t want to come across as aggressive”.

In other words, please, especially you women, be nice.

Be Nancy Nice Lady. Don’t make waves, please.

Recently, I had a justified disagreement with my husband in view of his adult daughter.

She felt it was her job to soothe me, in part because her culture believes getting angry causes health problems, such as diabetes.

I couldn’t help but admire her, even as I emphatically and vocally complained about the issue, for walking into the dragon’s mouth and patting my face.

But, as she topped off her helpful speech, she then said: “Besides, you look ugly when you are angry.”

I felt her remark was quite revealing.

Of course, getting angry is not nice, not pretty, and not convenient for those witnessing it.

But I was also left thinking: could her philosophy account also for her inability to defend herself very well?

Even in the face of some injustices I know she has suffered? Is that why she uses coy baby talk to get her needs met?

Over the years, I’ve spent lots of time and money in therapy learning how to undo the self-repression techniques I had to employ to save my life as a child in a dysfunctional family.

I had to kill Nancy Nice Lady.

I had to learn to trust my emotions and intuition to get my degree from the school of life.

And I had to learn one critical lesson:

In direct contrast with my step-daughter, I now believe that repressing, not expressing, emotions causes illness.

Society needs to recognise the rights of women to get angry, to express unpopular opinions, to fight for a cause without risking being labelled as “controlling”, “crazy” “bit**es”.

Not only does it break down such gendered expectations of caretaker, caregiver and all round “emotional superwoman” – regardless of our work schedule.

But what’s more, when these opinions change, violence against women will drop.

It’s simple: it’s about respect.

Respect for women as individuals. Respect for women as human beings. And respect for women to feel, just like every male.

Women, like all other humans are fully capable of experiencing a full spectrum of valid emotions.

We laugh, we cry, we get angry, we scream, and we get stuff done. And all of our feelings, not just the ones that allow people to feel comfortable, are valid.

We are not here for anyone’s convenience. We need to be less concerned about “being pretty” and combed all the time, than with living authentically lives. 

People who are secure with their own emotions will understand those of others – lest not feel threatened.

As Martha Stout (American psychologist and author) so eloquently expresses:

“When you teach your daughter, explicitly or by passive rejection, that she must ignore her outrage, that she must be kind and accepting to the point of not defending herself or other people, that she must not rock the boat for any reason, you are not strengthening her prosocial sense; you are damaging it…and the first person she will stop protecting is herself.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself!

It’s time to stop judging women and for women to be allowed to live feel and be their authentic selves.

End of. 

This post was originally published on Voice of Salam.