Back in September, the world marked Bisexual Visibility Day.
As a bi woman who only came out a few years ago (but has learnt a lot about societal views in that time), I decided to share a few insights into the weirdly debated myths and misconceptions about being bisexual.
I shared my own direct and indirect experiences of things I’ve heard, seen and faced.
In response, one bisexual friend shared that she doesn’t adopt the label. Each to their own I say.
Sexuality shouldn’t be a “big deal”. Not everyone wants to share their sexual preferences publicly.
And yes, being attracted to both women and women should be accepted as just as “normal” as any other aspect of our identity – just as for heterosexuals.
But sadly, we live in a heavily heteronormative society. And it isn’t.
Similarly, another friend (lesbian) shared her insights on the discussions she’d had with bisexual individuals and couples alike.
This included how a couple (one man and one woman) who identified as both bi explained how they could form a monogamous committed relationship when asked by puzzled outsiders.
This again debunked other people’s views on “what being bi meant” and questions around fidelity, attraction and monogamy.
Overall, my post drew comments, healthy discussion and highlighted once again the confusion and gaps of knowledge around bisexuality.
What it really reaffirmed for me is this: whether people use the label or not, there is so much misunderstanding about being bisexual, what it means and what it looks like in reality.
A lack of understanding, a lack of dialogue and a lack of representation lead to many misconceptions. But it’s more than that…
I firmly believe that people like others to fit into neat little boxes. Straight or gay? Same sex or opposite sex? Self and other?
Yet, it should be about fluidity, acceptance and not “othering” things we don’t experience for ourself.
It really shouldn’t really be that complicated. All being bisexual means is being:
“sexually or romantically attracted to people of your own gender and people of a different gender” (Cambridge Dictionary)
It quite simply means being attracted to both men and women.
Yet, in the media, in conversation with others, within the queer community itself, there is so much ignorance around the term, the lifestyle, about what it all means.
I’ve seen it, faced it and heard it for myself.
Roll back to when I was first told as a confused teenager by my then best friend (when I had a boyfriend at the time): “So you’re probably bisexual. I wouldn’t tell guys that, they don’t like it”.
I had no clue. But quickly learnt to steer clear.
And so that was more or less the end of that (becoming a conservative Muslim and later marrying a man closed that case anyway).
Then came the pre-coming out discussions with a gay bestie in my early 30s (post-divorce) about “what being bi” is or isn’t after I confessed, I’d kissed a woman and was “bi curious”.
Yep, this really was an eye-opener.
The conversations that followed (many of them) really did reveal my own inner internalised prejudice about “being queer” (yes, being “different”) and my own (rather common) misconceptions about bisexuality.
Once that was all cleared up, I came out as bi.
And… no one really cared (and that’s exactly how it should be when your loved ones are bigots and it’s your life!).
Out and newly identifying as bisexual for the first time in almost 35 years, then followed the conversations with self-identifying heterosexual and queer folk alike in dating and non-dating contexts.
The assumptions, the expectations and the denial. Oh, there are so many of them…
Yep, it’s all rather weird, confused and sadly: embedded with prejudice.
A lesson in prejudice – and sexist double standards – is what I learnt.
How? Well, let’s take a look and break it all down. Here are the seven most common examples – debunked!
1. We’re “greedy” or “over sexed”
Roll back to June 2022, I was at Pride in London with a guy friend.
Chatting to other people in Trafalgar Square, we got talking to one lesbian couple. Asked about my sexuality, I explained I was bi.
“You greedy bit*h! Haha!” was the response.
Except it wasn’t really funny, was it?
Whether people genuinely fall for the myth that bisexuals are “hypersexual”, “greedy” and “promiscuous” or are trying to make fun of this annoying stereotype, I really do wish it would die a death!
A preference doesn’t say anything about your libido or behaviour. Simple. Plus, sex shaming ain’t cool…
2. We’re not queer
Picture this. A woman is dating a man. Or a bloke is dating a woman. Ok, sounds pretty standard.
Now, add a couple of two women. And a couple of two men.
Hmm sexual diversity you might add? One straight couple and one gay couple?
Well, not necessarily… I omitted one detail.
They’re all the same. They’re all bi…
Yep, one couple one may be “straight-passing” but that doesn’t make them any less bi, any less queer, or any “more straight”.
Don’t judge a book by its cover and never assume anything…
3. We like women/men equally
Confession. One of the reasons I didn’t really understand my bisexuality and needed to discuss a few bits with my gay bestie before I came out, was one huge misconception.
I honestly thought that being bisexual meant that you liked men and women equally. Half and half. 50/50. That’s what made you bi…
And, I liked men more, so I was straight, right? Well, no. Not really. Not at all as I discovered.
Another myth that needs putting to bed (no pun intended)!
4. We’re “cheats” or de facto polyamorous
A bit like point #1, something I’ve experienced quite a lot in conversations is the assumption that if you’re bisexual, you can’t or don’t want to be monogamous.
You want a bit of both. To have your cake and eat it. Right?
Well no. Each person is their own. And can only speak for themselves.
Whether they’re polyamorous, ethically non-monogamous, strictly monogamous, unfaithful through deception, or looking for the occasional extra with their partner, and whether they’re straight, gay or bisexual: each person is unique (and deceit is deceit).
Just like there are polyamorous straight couples out there, there are also monogamous bisexual couples. There isn’t a single formula!
5. We don’t count if we’ve not been physical
It’s funny isn’t it. You could be a virgin of any age but if you’re straight, no one will question your sexuality.
“How do you know you like girls, son? You’ve never been with one!”.
Imagine it. Every straight 16-year-old boy questioning if he likes girls or not because he’s still not “done the deed”.
Nope. It just doesn’t happen.
So, whether you’ve been physically intimate with someone of your own gender or not, it doesn’t matter does it?
If you’re a woman and you find not just guys but women attractive too: you’re bi.
And if you’re a guy who likes guys as well as gals: yep, you’re bi! (or however you wish to identify – the point is the attraction is there with or without the physicality).
It’s that simple. Which is why it’s really disappointing to hear this time and time again – from straight males and even from gay male TV characters to their bisexual sisters (I’m talking to you scriptwriters of Shameless USA!).
6. We like everybody of the same sex
One of the weirdest things I’ve ever encountered was a description of a bisexual woman by her male partner: “She’s not bi with everyone”.
Um, you mean she doesn’t fancy every woman to exist? Just like she also won’t fancy every male to walk the Earth…?
Yes. Being bisexual isn’t a switch-on / switch-off hobby.
If she finds women attractive, she’s bisexual. And just like her preference of men will vary, she’ll of course not fancy every woman she meets.
It’s called having a type… Glad to clear that one up!
7. We’re just “curious”
I really do think this one carries such a heavy layer of homophobia around it.
Admitting you’re bisexual means admitting you’re queer. That you’re “different”. That you’re part of the LGBT+ family.
Well, it’s pretty “normal” actually. Whatever “normal is”.
But yeah, in a heteronormative society, it’s classed as “different”. That’s the way the world is at the moment sadly.
But denying it doesn’t make it any less real. And I again fell victim to this. Likewise, I’ve also faced this from other people.
As we’ve already explored in this blog, if you’re attracted to women, if you might like to be physical with women, if you think about women in the way you think about men (or even differently); you’re probably bi.
No, it’s not a “phase”. It’s not a “curiosity”. It’s not “bi curiosity”.
That’s just a label. To offer a supposed “cool”, “acceptable” and less “real” way of admitting/exploring/understanding one’s bisexuality in a heteronormative world wrapped in homophobia.
Except it isn’t. Embrace who you are. Really. Life is too short.
Following my own journey from identifying as straight to bisexual, I’ve really learnt a lot about what the world thinks/assumes about bisexuality.
Whilst some comments and misconceptions have been simple misunderstandings, others have revealed deep seated misogyny / sense of male privilege and homophobia.
And that’s what makes it sad.
For example, I’ve faced men dismissing my sexuality for starters. Because to misogynists, we’re not so empowered to be an issue.
Example. Take a man being seemingly “accepting” of my sexuality, when in reality it’s dismissive. How?
Well, after not saying anything negative about being bisexual, he later spewed vile homophobic hatred towards the healthy dynamic of a male-male couple when he didn’t get what he wanted.
He showed his true colours. When his desires were ignored, the mask slipped (no thanks, I don’t do polygamy).
Take two. I’ve also learnt how society – in particular some men – sexualise bisexual women.
Empowered? No, we’re automatically every man’s heterosexual man’s fantasy. We exist to apparently serve their needs.
“You’re bi?” they discover. Well, take the classic immediate questions: “Oh so can we have a threesome?” or “Have you had sex with a woman?”.
Again, it’s not about you guys and it’s none of your business!
Tragically I’ve also learnt how the combination of the ignorance of bisexuality, wrapped up in homophobia and misogyny, means that bisexual men may quite possibly face more prejudice than I as a bisexual woman could ever imagine (please do share your experiences if you identify as bi and are male).
Why? Because they can’t be dismissed as “little women” to serve men’s heterosexual fantasies (like bi women), while their gay siblings are sent off into the “queer corner”.
Yep, what I’ve ultimately discovered is that bisexuality doesn’t fit the mould. It’s too queer for straight folk. And too “straight passing” for some queer folk.
And as far as the narrow binaries of misogyny are involved, bi men dance all over that mess.
As always, I say: ignore the labels. Be you. Be fluid. Be real.
Stuff misogyny and stuff homophobia, queerphobia, biphobia and transphobia.
Life is short. It’s about exploring, discovering who you are and being you. You may want different things at different times and in different ways. And that’s fine.
Maybe you want to come out, maybe you don’t. And that’s fine. It’s no one’s business but yours. It’s private (and more so if you’re “straight passing” with a partner of the opposite sex).
However ultimately, I firmly believe this: we’d not expect anyone else to stay in the closet.
Self-identifying according to your true sexuality (in this case as bisexual) means you’ve embraced yourself and pushed back against biased stereotypes/expectations.
That you’ve pushed back about assumed heteronormativity.
And that you’ve pushed back about the misogyny and homophobia that lies behind so much of the myths and misconceptions about bisexuality.
That is ultimately something brave, authentic and worthy of being proud of.
This post was originally published on Voice of Salam.