This blog is part of a five-part series looking at interfaith and intercultural relationships and the factors behind their success and longevity (or lack of). The series is based on my personal experience as a Muslim woman in her 20s and 30s.

In part 1, I look at marriage and love across cultures and borders, examining the role of shared values and knowing oneself.

In part 2, I share my experience of faith and religious divides in an intercultural/interfaith relationship.

In part 3, I share the impact of trauma on stereotyping others in the context of mixed relationships.

In part 4, I look at emotional factors (in particular attachment styles) and their relation to culture, as opposed to cultural or religious difference as a standalone.

In this blog, I conclude by sharing insight into the factors and dynamics involved in mixed relationships in maintaining a healthy long-lasting interfaith/intercultural relationship.

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Mixed couples: what’s the answer?

Nothing in life is black and white (no pun intended!).

So, when it comes to navigating mixed relationships, there is no one-size-fits all solution.

Yes, there are challenges but what these will look like (and how to potentially overcome them) will depend on: each other’s exposure to the faith/culture, what each individual share in common in terms of values and of course, their unique individual personalities.

There are a myriad of factors and things to consider.

What does blending two communities look like?

What does diversity look like?

And what does love look like in practice?

A key element of this is also avoiding an often-assumed false binary of religion vs. culture.

As human beings we live a faith through a culture – something which was expressed so clearly to me by Dr Amina Wadud when I interviewed her for a previous blog.

Firstly, we live the world through the lens of our culture, upbringing and lived experience.

Secondly, our faiths have often been developed within often very specific cultural contexts.

Religion and culture overlap – also in theological terms.

Theological difference is real and cannot be dismissed as solely referring to difference as an “outside cultural practice” or so on.

In terms of mixed couples, a mixed couple may share a faith but different cultures or culturally-engrained practices (as well as seemingly very theological differences from the same background/context).

Difference here may stem from cultural variance, just as two people from the same minority or national culture may have different faiths, beliefs or spiritual practices.

Religion and culture do not fit into the simplistic binary that I’ve seen some people wanting to squeeze them into.

They overlap. And this is both conscious and unconscious.

In his book “Dominion: The Making of the Western Mind”, Tom Holland explores this concept.

I have yet to read this text but very much look forward to doing so (thank you Matt for the recommendation).

In short, the book examines this and shows how Holland may identify as British and atheist/agnostic but is culturally Christian.

The role of culture in shaping our worldview and our religious practices (even if of a non-culturally related faith e.g. regarding religious converts or members of religious minorities), cannot be ignored.

Likewise, at the same time it should not be used to overgeneralise.

It’s a balance. And again, any couple will depend on the individuals involved.

This will include teir cultural background, their approach to faith, their own personalities and their own cultural, social, spiritual and overlapping (to varying degrees) emotional lived experience.

What’s more, just as religion is also expressed through culture, culture can also expressed in many ways – including within multifaith, multicultural, national, regional and international contexts.

Everything is contextual and needs to be looked at through case-by-case examples.

That is why I firmly disagree (although I do not have statistics) in any concept of  “mixed couples don’t work” – especially in an increasingly globalised society.

Many of us live in diverse societies – ideally with a sense of shared values.

We do not live in single monocultural, mono-religious, monoethnic communities.

Many of us live in very diverse nations. Many of us travel.

Many of us already have friends and family members of diverse backgrounds.

Many of us are proud of our heritage and our identities and we’re also regional, international and global.

Of course, there are others that don’t share this experience, interest or enthusiasm.

And so, we need to examine the role of values.

We need to look at what values mean for each person and what those values look like.

Within this, we also need to examine the intersectional multiple identities that every person embodies.

This shapes their belief systems, their likes and dislikes, and their core values.

This can take many forms: faith community, spiritual practice, hobbies, nationality, ethnicity, cultural affiliation, age and gender.

Furthermore, we are a mix of nature and nurture.

Our origin, our upbringing, and our lived experiences.

No two individuals from the same cultural or religious backgrounds re going to be exactly the same.

So, when examining if a couple form a different cultural and/or faith background can or will be compatible, it all depends on the context.

Are they nationals of the same State?

What are their common/shared values (perhaps within and amongst faiths and cultures)?

And what is their emotional compatibility?

Psychological, cultural, religious and social, political, economic factors all play a part – as too does gender.

When it comes to gender, patriarchy is a global phenomenon (which manifests differently among different communities).

It holds women to different standards; asking more of them, demanding and excluding.

Discussing gender in the context of mixed relationships, my friend Matt declared: “Women tend to compromise more in terms of culture” (a non-verbatim summary).

Well, it’s definitely something I have experienced.

And again, this will have an impact when examining how an intercultural and/or interfaith couple will navigate their life together – and whether it’s fair, healthy and sustainable.

Lastly, several individuals when discussing this blog have pointed out that – the romantic I am – two crucial things.

Firstly, love may mean different things to different people – as does marriage.

We need to be clear on what these mean for us.

This means examining the role of culture, our upbringing and our own wants and needs) to know what we do and don’t want in a partner.

Likewise, what does this look like in the other person’s world?

Where do we agree? Where do we not? And where is compromise possible – or not?

Secondly: loving the individual for who they are – not what they represent.

Whilst I fell in love with Haroun, Rami, Farhad and Mustafa for the people they were, I did appreciate and love their cultures. But it was about the person first.

That’s how I believe it should be. But of course, respect and love for their culture I believe is incredibly important.

Whilst this is a trap that I don’t believe I’ve fallen into, sceptics such as Matt have their own views:

“The elephant in the room: romanticisation / orientalism of “the Exotic”. I believe (and based partly on personal experience but also a lot of observation) that most/many intercultural/faith relations begin because of an unrealistic exoticisation worldview.

We know our world and it is boring and stale. We know its faults and downsides. But out there is another world, exciting… and exotic with impossibly exciting lands and impossibly beautiful and wonderful people.

We fall in love with the dream and not the reality. It is only after some time in the relationship that the reality seeps through.

Ultimately… you have to be able to cope with the ordinary, flawed soul left behind. And that’s the litmus test. Can you cope with Mr. Messy/Mrs. OCD/Ms. Anxiety/Mr. Autistic cos ultimately those will make or break a relationship, not whether they hail from Ouagadougou or profess Sikhism or Shinto.”

Don’t fall into the trap.

Firstly: don’t essentialise or exoticise cultures.

View and value each person from said culture as an individual. Examine if you have any unconscious (as well as conscious) biases).

And be sure to appreciate their background for the beauty and reality is holds – free from the lense of colonialism, false narratives/myths and unjust power structures.

Acknowledge what you do and don’t know – and enjoy exploring it together.

It’s ok to not know everything!

Learning from each other is a great way of sharing your world, your experiences and lives together, to understand what’s meaningful to them (and isn’t!) and of building memories and bonding together.

Secondly (and quite importantly!), we all need to remind ourselves in an increasingly digital age of the reality of daily life.

Please remember that behind the smiley social media reels, the snippets of life amid the celebratory snaps and all the beautiful romantic displays of affection we may see in public (or more private spaces): relationships require real work.

And, they’re also different for each and every couple.

The reality is this: in any relationship, it’s about the day-to-day realities of living together not a 365-days-a-year honeymoon.

Be honest, be open, be real with yourselves and each other.

Moving forward: what’s behind it all?

I’ve certainly learned a lot from my experiences in love dating across cultures and faiths.

Writing this blog has also definitely got me thinking about not just mixed relationships, but also relationships as a whole and our own emotional, spiritual and psychological selves.

There’s a long list of interweaving factors relating to mixed relationship dynamics, compatibilities/incompatibilities and their future success (or lack of).

Some of the factors I’ve noticed on my journey include:

Psychological / emotional factors:

• Are we intellectually compatible? Do we connect?
• What’s their level of emotional intelligence? Can we communicate our needs effectively?
• What’s their lived experience of trauma (displacement, poverty, racism/prejudice, emotional abuse, previous relationships)? Do I understand this?
• What are our attachment styles? Are they different? Are we aware of this?
• What are our previous experiences of relationships (parenting, family, friendships, relationships)? How are they different?
• What do they look for in a relationship? What are their wants and needs?
• Do they want children? What’s their view on marriage?
• What’s their love language? How is this different to mine?

Socio-cultural factors:

• What does their identity look like (national identity, multiple identities)?
• How do they express their identity?
• What’s their view on integration and assimilation vs. multicultural communities?
• What are our common/shared interests? Where are we different? do we have our own interests?
• What’s their view of family and parental dynamics? Where does the couple sit in this circle?
• What role does faith play in their life (private/public, secular/orthodox, cultural/“religious”)? Are there any others factors to think of (e.g. further links to approaches to faith in certain contexts e.g. post-colonial etc.)?
• Do they come from a culture that is more individualistic or communitarian? What does this look like in their family / society?
• What are the effects of collective trauma (stemming from conflict, poverty etc.) on social-cultural norms/behaviours in their community/nation?

Economic factors:

• How do we approach discussions and views of class? Is this important to them? What did this meaning growing up / in their family?
• What are our personal journeys like? What do we share in terms of education, migration journeys and working life experiences?
• How do our educations differ / look similar (professional / non-professional)? What do we share? What can we learn from each other?
• What value do they place on education? What about vocational skills?
• What are our economic habits, views and practises like? Are they similar or different? What impact does their personal lived experience have on their spending habits (including  links to poverty, trauma and lived wealth to spending and parenting/attachment styles)?

Spiritual factors:

• How do they approach religion and spirituality? What’s their view on faith/spirituality vs. religion? Are these two different concepts in their life? Which takes priority? 
• What’s their approach to living a faith? How do they view/live concepts such as practicing/non-practicing, progressive/conservative/orthodox, secular / atheist / religious / spiritual?
• What role does faith / religion / spirituality have in their life?
• What role (if any) does faith have in their personal relationships (romantic, familial, community)?
• What does their personal view on faith mean in wider terms? How do they view themselves in relation to faith communities (structured / non-structured, confirmative / non-confirmative)?
• How would they want to raise their children in terms of faith? Would they teach their children about other faiths? How?

In addition, we must also not forget the dynamic of intrafaith relationships.

This could include for example: as a Sunni-Shia union (amid global conflict), a union with between a partner from a Progressive congregation with someone following a more Orthodox tradition (both within established communities), or an Orthodox Christian and an Anglican Christian (where traditions never overlap).

Would communal conflict affect this relationship (with vast shared tradition) more than two different traditions that have greater difference to manage?

Who’s to say. It’s also down to each individual couple.

Ultimately, we’re all a mix of multiple identities (conscious or not).

And it’s up to the self-awareness of both parties to navigate the relationship (as with any union).

I know many successful mixed and non-mixed couples and many unhappy couples across the board.

Mixed couples can and do work. That is my message.

This blog isn’t to push anyone to date or marry outside of their community.

Its purpose is to shed light on the complexity of the issue.

I wanted to highlight how mixed relationships are not always as complex as some people may automatically think when hearing the term (again, it depends on the context).

By sharing my stories, I believe they can add insight, highlight the challenges and allow us to learn.

There are commonalities, there are differences and there are questions that are far more emotionally complex than simply about our country of origin (or communities).

These stories should not be used to over-generalise issues around identity, relationships and community.

We need to have more frequent and wider discissions around the themes of values, compatibility and what diversity means.

We need to have examine what makes a “happy couple” in any relationship.

And we need to have open dialogue – including within each relationship itself (mixed or not).

The role of dialogue here is critical and goes beyond mere communication.

It requires active compassionate listening, communicating to understand not to talk, not to necessarily agree on everything and to hear and understand the other person and each other.

Dialogue is crucial to every intercultural relationship, every interfaith relationship, every interfaith relationship.

It’s critical to every single romantic and non-romantic relationship full stop.

So, let’s live and let live, let’s share our experiences and let’s have these conversations (in a safe space).

Let’s encourage each and every one of us to be more self-aware, to engage in wider discussions on identity, values, lived experience, and to reflect on of the role of culture/religion in our lives.

What’s more, let’s open a conversation which I really believe we all need to be aware of:  the impact of collective and individual trauma.

We need to discuss this much more openly. Although, in younger generations, I do believe this awareness is happening.

Firstly, we need to examine how trauma shapes socio-cultural  norms.

For example, what is the effect on ourselves as individuals navigating life?

What is the impact on how we view and treat ourselves? How we show up for ourselves (practice self-care)?

And how we manage practical things such as finances (money and work)?

What about the secondary impact? Our relationships.

How does it affect how we relate to others? How we approach and prioritise/navigate our romantic relationships, our friendships and family dynamics?

And in this context, how and when do these (trauma-informed) habits and views overlap, either aid or impede our relationships?

Where are we able to be vulnerable? Where do we struggle to communicate?

And how do we handle disagreements?

When examining ourselves, how does this manifest in terms of attachment styles? Love languages?

And quite importantly: conflict resolution?

Ultimately, how do these practices, norms and potential wounds affect our ability to navigate differences in our relationships?

To ultimately recognise and heal our own wounds (for firstly our own sake) and additionally our partner’s sake?

To prevent conflict, mend our relationships and change them for the better?

This requires a lot of self-reflection and inner work (as well as wider socio-cultural reflection, healing and change).

But: it is possible – if we go beyond surface-level views of “culture” and “religion” when approaching mixed relationships.

If we look at wider society. And, if and when both collective and personal psychological and emotional factors are taken into account and understood, healed and reformed.

So, to finish, I’d like to share the following words. As a dear friend of mine declared when discussing this blog:

“It’s about someone who brings out the best in you in your worst moments. That’s nothing to do with what nationality, faith or culture…

You respect them for who they are. You love them unconditionally.”

Lovers, spouses, friends, neighbours, we can all learn from this. 

So, let’s respect, love and embrace ourselves and one another with an open mind and mutual dialogue across the board – whatever the topic, context or setting.

It’s more crucial more than ever. 

Share your experience

As always, we always appreciate hearing your views, insights and experiences – whatever your experience and background.

Please do share!

What’s more, if you’re part of an interfaith/intercultural couple and would like to share your experiences as part of our couples project, please do get in touch.

We’d love to hear from you!

This post was originally published on Voice of Salam.