Week four of Strictly Come Dancing is upon us, and this week, I’m watching from my best friend Gem’s house. She’s an even bigger fan than I am, which means this is about to be an even more ridiculous column than usual.
Tess and Claudia have come dressed for their lesbian wedding and good for them. The couples get introduced, and Gem and I absolutely lose our minds because so many of the male pros have got their boobs out. There’s no messing about this week as the show has been skimmed down by a whole twenty minutes. We’re so close to it being shorter than two hours long. I can taste it!!!
On with the Strictly dances!
Karen and Carlos dancing the quickstep
There wasn’t much content in their VT tbh, so we discussed our tea instead. This is such a good quickstep, I can already tell how undermarked Karen’s gonna be. This is also her second time dancing early on in the show, where she can easily be forgotten and before the judges start handing out eights like they’re sweets. Right on cue, they score just 27, which is BULLSHIT.
Once again, there’s no fancy terms and conditions announcement, which is another change I hate.
Harry (Nitro) and Karen dancing the rumba
Giving the Strictly death slot to someone this hot is an absolute travesty. Colin Jackson shows up as a male celeb who did quite well at the rumba to give tips, even though he was on it in 2005, and there have been MANY excellent male rumbas since then. It’s such an intense and hot rumba that he’s almost inside Karen at one point. Upstairs, Karen tells Claudia that they’re not sexy whilst they look like that. They score 26. What the fuck is going on with this terrible scoring?!?
Vicky and Kai dancing the samba
Vicky says she wishes she had hips like Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink. She’s wearing some incredibly swishy trousers, which I would definitely wear down to Sainsbury’s. We were mid-criticising how gentle it was, then a body roll happened, and we changed our mind, because Kai. Anton tells them again that she’s capable of so much more. They score 29, and Vicky mounts Kai for the second week in a row.
Stefan and Dianne dancing the Charleston
Giving something as high-energy as the Charleston to someone clearly still recovering from an illness feels cruel. Stefan, the poor fella, looks fucked. It’s a rather slow Charleston, with lots of what definitely seem like intentional breaks when he’s not throwing Di about. Craig says he was stilted, which is probably because he was barely moving, and Shirley said she only ever judges dancers against themself, which is clearly a lie when you see the way she talks to female celebs. They score 26, which is massively overmarked because no way they were as good as Karen and Carlos.
Lewis and Katya dancing the foxtrot
I went to the loo because I don’t care; however, they did soundtrack the Strictly VT with Manchild, which is hilarious. The dance is just so boring, like it always is from him. Tess says Anton is fond of ballroom, but I thought she said fond of boring, which also tracks. They score 34 and are WAY overmarked.
Jimmy and Lauren dancing their couple’s choice
Jimmy’s getting a narrative for his couple’s choice, which is massively gonna piss off the George Clarke fans from last week. Jimmy’s dance represents his family, apparently, which is hilarious when the choreography just doesn’t exist, but he’s having a bloody great time. It was literally telling him “left, right” at one point, and he was not going left and right, but fuck me, it was fantastic. They score 29 and sure – what the hell.
George and Alexis dancing the tango
George and Alexis are dancing on Strictly to a Coldplay song, so of course, in the studio, they jump on the Kiss Cam drama and Claudia gets “caught” with her love Dave Arch; incredible. I find out Alexis is a Mormon because she makes George a disgusting Utah dirty soda (I am obsessed with The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives). Again, it’s just boring; however, there’s an illegal lift which the judges ignore. How is it his first ballroom dance in week four? He actually gets some criticism, and he’s got such a pissy face on him it’s brilliant. That scored 30, somehow.
La voix and Aljaz dancing the cha cha cha
Oh no, this is a really hard one to watch because you can see the moment she just completely blanks and the choreography disappears from her head. They messed up loads, and they know they did. It’s so bad that the judges are praising the concept around the dance. What’s remarkable here is that Shirley is judging La Voix as harshly as she would a woman and not a man in drag. This scoring, however, is just plain HARSH as they get just 14.
Balvinder and Julian dancing the paso doble
Julian’s wearing some wonderful trousers with a corset fastening. It’s a gorgeous and very traditional paso, making it a powerful dance. Gem feels vindicated that Craig points out one of Bal’s shoulders was raised too high. They score 28, and that’s actually the first correct score of the night.
Alex and Johannes dancing the rumba
What’s very unfortunate about this rumba is the way they’ve done Alex’s hair means she looks like Tracy Ann Oberman. But fuck me, this a very, very good rumba. Just as we’re bitching about how it was gonna score badly, Shirley gets up on her feet. It’s all very emotional with Shirley going over and kissing and hugging the couple. Everyone is crying, except robot Tess, who hasn’t got a clue what to do and is trying not to malfunction. They score 36 and the first-ever 10 for a rumba in Strictly’s history.
Chris and Nadiya dancing the salsa
God, this man is so personality-less they’re now bringing his Mum and her pals out for sympathy. We genuinely can’t work out if he nearly dropped her, and there was definitely an attempt at being sexy, but besides throwing her about, there wasn’t much actual dancing. Upstairs, Nadiya has the audacity to make a comment about how, because she’s tall, the male pro dancers can’t lift her and throw her around. This is especially awkward as fuck because she says it almost directly to Kai, her ex-boyfriend, who gives her the ultimate “well, you never complained before” face. They score 25.
Amber and Nikita dancing the Argentine tango
Let it be known that I fucking love an Argentine tango, and this was a very good one. At one point, Nikita nearly swallows Amber’s face, it’s so intense. Upstairs, Nikita struggles not to say that she worked her arse off without swearing, which is brilliant. They score 33.
Ellie and Vito dancing their couple’s choice
The Strictly VT is as inspo porny as you’d expect, with her Mum coming so close to almost saying she brought Ellie up as “normal”. It’s actually really good in my opinion, because she threw everything at that. Technically, there are lots of missteps, and it’s not very precise, though. Her confidence, however, is unreal. Whenever someone calls her amazing, she replies, “Yeah, I know”. They’ve put the Mum in Shirley’s eyeline, which definitely feels on purpose. They score 31, and I thought that was a fair mark.
And just like that, it’s over! This week definitely felt like there was less faffing about and it flew. Before the show ends, we find out Craig has the casting vote.
Results show: Chris is off
And it’s Sunday again! We find out that next week is the return of icons week and its a very very weird vt. IMO they should bring back the ultimate chaos of round-the-world week. This week’s pro routine is a stock market themed tango and that’s as weird as it sounds, theres a lot of them flashing the sparkly inside of their jackets for some reason. However, Alijazs and Kai are dancing together and I’m very here for it.
Highlights from the Clauditorium involve Carlos screaming Celine Dion, Kai turning Vicky on with his Anton impression, and Alex insulting La Voix’s boobs. Leigh Anne off of Little Mix performs and her song involves a lot of airhorn. I’m reminded again how shit the final four format is when it’s once again anti-climatic af.
After the fans voted en masse to save La Voix, we have Chris and Nadiya in the dance off, who, though boring, weren’t the worst. Annoyingly, they’re joined by Balvinder and Julian, who definitely don’t fucking deserve to be there. It goes down to the deciding vote as (everyone pretend to be shocked) Shirley chooses the boring man over a woman who’s actually improving, though tbf so did Anton. This is the first time I’m actually glad of the new deciding vote change because Craig’s vote means that Chris and Nadiya go home instead.
Are the judges the actual change we need?
Whilst I adored watching Strictly with my best friend, it was a bloody odd one to watch as the judges scores seemed so disconnected from what we were actually watching. Maybe whilst there are so many unwelcome changes this series, a freshen up of the judging panel could be a more welcome one?
Featured image via the Canary
This post was originally published on Canary.