The other week I was sat pondering life during my morning commute (as you do!) and I was reminded of something very important that my late mother taught me. And this got me thinking.
During her 60 odd years on the planet, my mum had learnt a lot. And she gave some great advice as a result.
A lot of what my mother taught me has stuck with me for its honesty, relevance and truth – whether or not I understood it at the time. Whether in response to a problem shared or during one of her life chats, her advice was always spot on.
As a child, walking along whilst out together, she’d often bring up certain topics and give specific life lessons. I certainly remember these, and I appreciate them even more as I’ve gotten older and wiser, and in particular, as I think more and more about how I’d bring up any future children of my own.
So as 10 November drew around again, reminding me of the day she left this world, I decided to pen this blog in honour of my mum and her memory, sharing her wisdom.
I hope you find it insightful.
1. On religion:
Going to church every week doesn’t (automatically) make you a better Christian [believer]
Message:
I remember this message. It was crystal clear. My mum sat me down one day and told me: there’s no point sitting in church once a week but being not-a-very nice person, and then the world judging a kind, moral person who doesn’t attend service.
We did go to church most Sundays (my non-Christian dad dropping us off), but the learning didn’t end there. My mum’s emphasis was more on behaviour and values, than on rituals at home.
What she taught me was that it’s your behaviour – how you treat others every day of the week: your manners, principles, values and your morals (your actions) – that truly count.
Sitting in church [or any place of worship] diligently once a week, but not leading a good, kind, just life is futile.
In short: don’t judge others and don’t automatically assume the best, just because a person has a spotless attendance record.
2. On education:
Education is never wasted
It’s your ticket to independence
Message:
“Education is never wasted” – four words that have stuck with me forever.
I believe they’re fundamentally true. For education is a door to many opportunities.
Learning, training, gaining an education is never wasted – it’s an investment, not just for your career and financial future, but for your mind, expanding your view on the world and opening your eyes to new experiences.
For women in particular, it’s they key to independence. And more often than not, now it’s critical to run a home (given the current cost of living and reliance on two salaries).
Study hard, aim high – but always remember that family (including yourself, not work) comes first.
My mother certainly lived by this. She was the first in her family to obtain a university degree. She then went on to become a fantastic teacher and educator – and a great inspiration to me growing up.
3. On identity:
“I’m me” – be you first, not a label
Message:
As a child, I struggled to understand why my Italian mother wasn’t…. well, very “Italian”.
We didn’t speak Italian at home, we only started travelling to Italy when I was in my early teens and well, we just didn’t fit the (at least very) visual stereotype.
Trying to get answers from my mum about why she wasn’t “more Italian”, she once responded to me: “I’m me”. I didn’t get it.
Years later as an adult, I do. I now understand her and I empathise with her – even if I don’t agree with how things turned out.
It hurt to have to “reclaim” my Italian culture, to feel cut off from traditions and people.
It felt unfair to have to learn the language as a foreign language in my teens (an idea my mother wasn’t happy with at first), instead of being bilingual from childhood – something which I’ll never experience
And it pains me to feel that sense of “imposter syndrome“, where to my mind I’m “not Italian enough” for Italians (too fair, too shy and not fluent enough), yet also too “different” (a little “odd”) (e.g. loud, emotive, “conservative”) according to British socio-cultural norms (a learning that started as a child being scorn/criticised by my peers for “talking with my hands” and later peaking when I moved way for university and met my British housemates).
It’s a long ongoing story for another time (this blog gives an introduction).
Yet, none the less, my mother made a very valid point.
Before nationality, religion, age, cultural background, ethnicity and so on: you are your own person. You are you. You are an individual.
Do not be restricted or contained to that – or limit your outlook on the world in terms of others.
Do not stereotype others. See them as an individual first behind the labels.
Be aware of cultural norms, adapt, be respectful, embrace everyone. Do not make assumptions about others and do not limit yourself. Your future is in your hands.
4. On money:
It’s about values, not money
Message:
“Those who’ve got it don’t need to flaunt it” – a phrase I remember my mother saying on several occasions. And she was right – no one likes a show off.
Humility is key. Flashing the cash isn’t classy. Less is more, as they say. All that glitters isn’t gold – that’s another one.
But manners? They’re golden.
Manners cost nothing, but mean everything. They’re priceless. Show the world who you are through your values and manners.
Be kind, be humble, be polite – that’s what speaks volumes, not money.
Coming into a fortune may change your financial status, but it doesn’t necessarily signify that every other area of your life is up to the mark, or that you’re a “better person”.
Growing up, we didn’t have a flashy car (quite the opposite). We didn’t go on a holiday abroad until I was around 12 years old. And we didn’t live extravagantly.
We didn’t really struggle, but there were challenges, sacrifices and choices to be made.
What my parents had, they invested it into their children’s education – both inside and outside the classroom.
5. On love:
You’ll find love when you’re not looking
Message:
Many a person has said it and my mother is no different: “You find love when you’re not looking for it”.
Well, that’s certainly true for my parents. By the time they went on their first date, they’d already met several times after repeatedly bumping into each other at teacher parties in Bristol (where they were both living at the time).
There was no plan, no agenda. They were just where they were meant to be, when they were destined to be and the rest is history.
And that’s what I believe: it’s all down to God (fate).
I don’t only believe this because I personally believe that such things are all pre-planned (by the Divine), but because as they say, when you’re not looking and simply living your life, doing the things you love, you’re being truly and authentically you!
When you’re authentic to yourself, you find what (or who) matches you! And so, yes I do believe that my mother was right: love comes when you least expect it.
It’ll come. Be patient. Do you, and leave the rest to fate!
6. On charity:
The more you have, the less you give
Message:
Growing up, my mother always encouraged us to help others and to give selflessly.
I remember once sharing with her how it shocked me how some of my classmates (whose parents had a lot more than we had) wouldn’t bring a can of food to a school food collection.
I can honestly say that my mother was a selfless person. And what she taught me is that having more doesn’t (necessarily) increase our ability (or will) to give.
Just because someone has more, it doesn’t mean they’ll give more.
Helping others isn’t a burden, it’s a duty. We share the world with others and we should share what we have.
Give with your heart, whatever you can. And remember: it doesn’t need to be big – every little helps at they say.
Don’t assume, that those who have the most, give the most. Kindness is a human value – and that’s free.
7. On friendship:
There are fair weather friends
And there are real friends
Message:
Not everyone that comes into your life will stay in your life.
A true friend is there for you through good times and bad, through thick and thin.
A fair-weather friend is there for the good only. They won’t stick around when things get tough.
Accept it, grieve them and move on. They’re not a true friend.
When it comes to friends, less is more: it’s better to have a few solid true friends in your life, than a large group of fair-weather friends (acquaintances).
This is what my mum would tell me and she was 100% right. This is something I learnt about a lot growing up.
Now that I’m 37 and reflecting on life, I can honestly say that my friends are like family to me. And that my mum was right: she was my best friend.
8. On self-care:
Always be prepared for the unexpected
Message:
Thinking of my mum, I remember one random day when she looked at my shoes and then promptly decided it was time to go shopping: shoe shopping.
One pair of tan leather Mary janes later, I was all set.
Set for what? Well, life.
The thing with my mum is that she didn’t really do casual – smart casual yes – but casual, no. It didn’t suit her (and it doesn’t really suit me either).
“People always judge you by two things, your hands (and nails) and your shoes” she’d tell me. And rightly or wrongly, people do judge.
Heading off to university in particular, she’d always remind me to be prepared: “You never know who you’ll meet”. And she had a point.
Her motto was: always try and look your best.
People judge us out in the world and you never know what opportunity may arise or who you may meet. Invest in yourself.
Now, this doesn’t mean full make-up or putting lots of pressure on yourself. Just the simple stuff.
Keep your nails neat, make sure your shoes are in good condition and when it comes to make up: less is more. A simple bit of mascara and lipstick will do if that’s all you can face for the day.
9. On gender:
It’s a man’s world:
Stand tall and fight your ground
Message:
It’s a man’s world, but don’t let that stop you. Be brave, be loud, be fierce.
Move beyond the words, roles and restrictions upon women carved out by men (even in your own family, faith community or place of study).
Reject gender stereotypes – starting with childhood and how you raise your children.
I know this was something my mum actively did as an adult, in how she carved out her own life regarding her relationships, faith, education, work and at what age she had children.
This later shaped my world from a young age. The youngest of three children, I was also the only girl.
I loved being a girl. I collected handbags from a ridiculously young age. I wore skirts, dresses, florals and always tried to increasingly get away with make-up. I was anything but a tomboy.
I also had dolls. But: they were only one part of my toy/activity collection.
I never had a pram to push a doll in and my parents never bought Barbie dolls (I did have one or two as a gift from friends). What I did have was many more puzzles, books, art materials – and a super cool music player.
As a child, I was encouraged to learn, explore and be happy with who I was.
And as a girl, I felt no different to my brothers based on gender, other than the fact that I was taught about the need to be independent and mindful of my personal safety (thus responding to the symptoms of living in a sexist society).
I wasn’t treated differently but I was made aware and encouraged to be the best I could be, carving out my future.
10. On activism:
You have to work from within the system – not outside
Message:
Advocating for my non-verbal autistic brother – back in the day when no-one really knew what autism was except for the professionals – was no mean feat.
My mum fought tirelessly for my brother, her family and for whatever she felt was necessary. And it wasn’t easy: I think the price she may have paid was sadly her health.
Passing the baton to my father and I after finding out her cancer was terminal, I knew of the responsibilities ahead of me. It was time to step up; my brother needed me.
I’d learnt from the best – typing out letters that my mother would dictate to me. Her brainpower met my typing power.
Inspired by my mum, I’d always been a fierce advocate of social justice. From family, to community, to wider society, there’s a role to play:
“You’re like a bulldog” my mum said to me one day. I remember this so well.
Shocked, I asked her what she meant. After all, this didn’t exactly sound complementary!
“Small but fierce. You’ll stand up and push when you need to” was her reply.
Well, yes. She was right we need to fight for our rights, always.
But, where I didn’t agree with my mother was how to do this – the approach to creating positive change, for advocating, for standing up for what’s right.
From a young age, I’d dreamt of changing the world; fighting against the system that was so flawed. My mother didn’t.
She wanted better. But she wanted long term change: sustainability.
My mother talked of the need to make change from within, slowly and in doing so, gaining support – if you really wanted to make a difference.
And you know what? v37-year-old me has to agree. She was on to something there.
She was usually right about most things…
Dedication:
This blog is dedicated to my late mother Emilia. May your memory forever be a blessing.
May we meet again one day. I love you, forever and always.
This post was originally published on Voice of Salam.