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The war on Christmas warriors are extra weird this year

Every year, the media tells us that shadowy forces are plotting to overthrow Christmas, and every year it doesn’t happen. The difference between now and 30 years ago is that we have mass media now. This means the handful of Christmas truthers have snowballed into an avalanche:

We don’t know what these people want for Christmas, but they should ask Santa to make them normal again.

Dismantle, denounce, destroy

Liam Tuffs runs a podcast called The Dozen, which he describes as follows:

The Dozen with Liam Tuffs is a no holds barred podcast channel, where True Crime, Celebrity, Politics, Current Affairs, Combat Sports & Comedy are amongst the topics discussed! I sit down with some of the most fascinating and controversial characters, including ex-gangsters, comedians, bare-knuckle fighters, boxers, celebrities, and politicians to bring you raw & unfiltered conversations.

Now let’s take another look at the opening line of that tweet:

Anyone tries dismantling, denouncing or destroying Christmas need to have the book thrown at them & made an example of

So many questions, with the first few being:

  • How would a person ‘dismantle’ Christmas, and what would they do with the dismantled Christmas parts?
  • Would we enforce merryness and good cheer on the population, or could a person be depressed in peace as long as they kept it to themselves?
  • Are you always this dramatic, or have you eaten too many sugar plums?

In response to the accusation that he knows nothing about the true spirit of Christmas, Tuffs posted a video in which he discussed ‘Christianity VS Islam’:

Clearly he’s not read the Bible or watched Santa The Movie, because no – the meaning of Christmas has never been fundamentalist forever wars.

Oh, and before we move on, we don’t know why Tuffs is straining like that in his profile picture, but he looks like he’s got 12 days of Yule logs backed up his chimney.

Tesco

This year, Tesco have attracted a great deal of attention, including from this guy:

Here’s another guy who was worried people might mistake Christmas mince pies for regular mince pies – a type of mince pie which doesn’t exist:

We checked online to see if Tesco are still using the word ‘Christmas’, and we regret to inform you it’s only mentioned ‘over 10,000’ times:

‘Christmas’ is the second menu option under ‘Groceries & Essentials’, WHICH MEANS IT ISN’T NUMBER ONE:

One thing you’ll note is that people have decided words like ‘festive’, ‘holiday’, and ‘season’ are anti-Yuletide code words, whereas actually they’ve been part of the Christmas lexicon for over a century. For example, the following is a quote from Christmas bigwig Charles Dickens (emphasis added):

The year end brings no greater pleasure than the opportunity to express to you season’s greetings and good wishes. May your holidays and new year be filled with joy

If you said any of the emboldened phrases now, GB News would park outside your house and Nigel Farage would demand Keir Starmer hits you with a tactical Christmas strike.

It’s certainly the case that supermarkets are using alternative words to ‘Christmas’, but they’re all Christmassy words, like ‘merry’, ‘evergreen’, and this:

Why are they using these words? Possibly because they made the mistake of thinking people could be normal, and that they wouldn’t freak out when the Tesco line of products only featured the word ‘Christmas’ 10,000 times.

If the War on Christmas warriors actually understood the history of the holiday, they’d know the issue was never that corporations aren’t saying ‘Christmas’ enough; it’s that companies are using a religious holiday to rake in ungodly profits.

And speaking of profits, many businesses are literally reliant on the Christmas boom to keep themselves in the black. Regardless of how you feel about that, you’d need Christmas pudding for brains to think Tesco want to dismantle their biggest earner.

Certified weirdo behaviour

We’re not going to dwell on this one for too long, but Spectator contributor Steven Barrett had this to say (emphasis added):

It is not ‘the festive season’ or ‘the holidays’

It is Christmas.

And if you can’t say that, say nothing

Because I am celebrating the birth of the most beautiful baby in human history – and you and your communism can trot on.

Mate, you sound like a paedophile.

You shouldn’t be sitting down to Christmas lunch thinking ‘god damn, that’s one handsome baby‘.

This has never been the meaning of Christmas; please stop making it weird for the rest of us.

And for Santa’s sake, read a book or something:

The true meaning of Christmas

There are two things these men have in common, and it’s that:

  • Jesus would see them all as fixer-uppers.
  • Santa would stuff their stockings with so much coal that they could power Battersea Power Station through to the New Year.

The real threat to Christmas isn’t the imaginary forces trying to dismantle it; it’s the vocal dipshits who see it as an opportunity to rage bait for social media clout.

If you’re one of these people, it’s time to put some George Michael on, eat a mince pie, and shut the fuck up.

Featured image via Nara & Dvids Public Domain Archive / picryl

By Willem Moore

This post was originally published on Canary.