{"id":1025832,"date":"2023-03-15T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-03-15T08:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thecreativeindependent.com\/people\/poet-and-writer-lauren-milici-on-being-your-own-cheerleader"},"modified":"2023-03-15T09:00:00","modified_gmt":"2023-03-15T09:00:00","slug":"poet-and-writer-lauren-milici-on-being-your-own-cheerleader","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/radiofree.asia\/2023\/03\/15\/poet-and-writer-lauren-milici-on-being-your-own-cheerleader\/","title":{"rendered":"Poet and writer Lauren Milici on being your own cheerleader"},"content":{"rendered":"

What was the process of putting together your first book, Final Girl<\/i><\/a>, and this new book, Sad Sexy Catholic<\/a><\/i>? They\u2019re thematically connected.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

Final Girl<\/i> came about because I had a horrible, traumatic experience in the MFA program, and I was writing through my survival, and then getting it published as a \u201cdo-si-do\u201d with Emily O\u2019Neill\u2019s chapbook was beautiful and perfect. And then, with Sad Sexy Catholic<\/i>, I was like, \u201cOkay, what happens after you\u2019ve survived the thing?\u201d Now you\u2019re left with all this other shit that has come up to the surface. That\u2019s what I went for with this. This one\u2019s a little bit more like, \u201cOur narrator got out of West Virginia, so I\u2019m happy for her. Now what\u2019s happening?\u201d And it\u2019s all the weird shit that has happened since then, just navigating life after the survival.<\/p>\n\n

What is the process like for you in writing a poem? How do you come to the page? Is there anything that gets you to start working on one?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

Reading someone else\u2019s poem. If I want to sit down and write, I will open as many tabs with different poems as I can. I call it waking up the muse.<\/span> If I love the way someone else starts their poem, or I love a line, I feel like the muse just starts talking to me. I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay. Cool, cool, cool.\u201d But also, sometimes you can just listen to the radio, and you think, \u201cThat\u2019s the dumbest song. This is so stupidly catchy.\u201d But then there\u2019s one lyric that can just make me like, \u201cHuh.\u201d And I write it down, thinking, \u201cMaybe this can be an anchor, or a non-sequitur, or it can be a title.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Can you talk about how you and the publisher came to the decision of giving the book pink pages? And a little bit about how you think it\u2019ll affect the experience of reading the poems?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

It\u2019s such a dream, right? I didn\u2019t really have a say with my first book, which was fine. I love the simplicity of the Final Girl<\/i> covers, and I like how they mirror each other since it was published as a double. But I remember saying to Liza, \u201cOkay, what if we go all out with the blasphemy on this one?\u201d And we were like, \u201cWhat if it\u2019s prayer book size?\u201d And it is. It\u2019s perfectly traditional prayer book size. The art was by this wonderful man named Joel Amat G\u00fcell. I was like, \u201cLook, here are all these Catholic vaporwave images from Google. Can we do something with this?\u201d And then it evolved into, \u201cAll right, what if it\u2019s pink on the cover?\u201d And I was like, \u201cOh, cool.\u201d Because he said, \u201cHonestly, it being black, it looks very hot topic, Lauren.\u201d And I responded, \u201cBut I want it to be hot topic.\u201d All of a sudden Liza suggested, \u201cWhat if the pages are pink, too?\u201d And I said, \u201cWe can do that? That\u2019s allowed? Don\u2019t hurt me like this. We can actually do that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n

Everyone thought it was a great idea. It\u2019s cool when the people you\u2019re working with see your vision, too.<\/span> I think it would\u2019ve been cute if the pages were normal and stuff, but I think the pink pages add this element of the vibe that\u2019s divine feminine. The overarching theme of this book is identity and guilt, and the horrible soup that your parents made when you were a child. And then, how that weirdly bubbles to the surface as an adult when you are trying to just navigate literally anything. But then also, when you do all this work on yourself, and you come into your own, and you\u2019re trying to align with your higher self. To me, when I see my higher self, she is this divine feminine, really tall, long insanely flowing black hair. And she floats, and she looks like an anime character.<\/p>\n\n

I love it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

That\u2019s a very long-winded way of saying that the pink pages are supposed to represent divine feminine.<\/p>\n\n

Do you ever get stuck in a poem when you\u2019re writing? And what do you do when you feel that sort of frustration with your work?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

There is a poem that I only finished just recently. I left it alone for a year because I genuinely had no idea what to do with it. Sometimes I try to write the poem backwards, or I try to just extract a line, and put it in something else.<\/span> I\u2019ll go back, and I\u2019m like, \u201cI really like this line. Can I put it in something I\u2019m working on now?\u201d It gets repurposed that way, so then it just ends up being a collection of lines, that I can go back and pull from.<\/p>\n\n

Endings are so fucking hard for me.<\/span> I guess in undergrad, the emphasis was always put on the end of the poem because that\u2019s where the power is. When you go into running a poem with that in the back of your head, you\u2019re like, \u201cOh my god, if the ending of this sucks shit. Then what\u2019s the point?\u201d Sometimes I get in my head, and get in my own way because of that.<\/p>\n\n

How do you deal with the self-criticism when you\u2019re working?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

It\u2019s really hard to turn that off. It\u2019s funny because before the MFA, I had a lot more confidence in first drafts. And then, you get to three years of being with people who don\u2019t understand why your poems aren\u2019t about the spring, and trees, and conventional shit.<\/span> No one in that fucking program wanted to write about anything other than the hills of West Virginia.<\/p>\n\n

What\u2019s your day-to-day process like with writing poems? Are you constantly working on something? How do you balance your day job with reading, and writing, and that sort of thing?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

I have not been doing a good job with that as of late. I go through these ruts where I am thinking about writing poems, and I am writing down ideas for poems, and then I\u2019m just not writing anything.<\/span> But I write from nine to five all day for my day job. And I\u2019ve had other poets be like, \u201cWell, you are technically always writing poetry, even if you\u2019re not writing poetry.\u201d And I\u2019m like, \u201cHuh, okay.\u201d People complain that they\u2019re writers who hate writing. And I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, that\u2019s interesting.\u201d For me, it\u2019s like I have to write.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

It\u2019s been very sporadic lately and very not as organized as I\u2019d like to be because I\u2019m very much a five to nine before the nine five person. I have to get up, and I\u2019m such a morning person that the birds chirp, and everything is so great, and I get all this work done. I try to get up way before I start my day job, and carve out an hour to just write literally anything, even if it\u2019s garbage. I think it\u2019s Natalie Goldberg who said, \u201cGive yourself permission to write the worst junk in America.\u201d And sometimes getting that stream of consciousness out first thing, it helps with the rest of my writing week for some reason.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Do you feel like you write more in periods of stress? Or do you feel like you write less in periods of stress?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

I had a friend once tell me that she can only write poems when she was going through something really shitty. And I remember staring at her and being like, \u201cI feel like I write the best when I\u2019m away from the situation, or I\u2019m away from a period of stress.\u201d It\u2019s like when the \u201cearly writers\u201d went to France thinking that they would all write about France, and then they ended up writing about America.<\/p>\n\n

I feel like I write better when I\u2019m actively working on my breathing, and trying to not freak the fuck out. Some of the most chaotic, and maybe fun things I\u2019ve written have come out of stress, but I don\u2019t necessarily know if those are of the highest quality.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Do you ever feel poems can be over edited?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

Oh my god, yes. I\u2019m going to say a fun shitty thing about not all workshops, but certain workshops. Because in a really great workshop environment, your peers\u2019 feedback, it can be the most wonderful beneficial thing in the whole world. That is the community that I tried to cultivate when I taught, and my students loved workshopping. I feel like my poems were so over edited in my MFA, to the point where I got so frustrated where I was like, \u201cAll right, I\u2019m only doing the edits that the workshop leader says to do because if I agree with everyone around me, what\u2019s going to be left of the poem?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n

With Erin Taylor<\/a>, their book that just came out, Bimboland<\/i>, there is nothing conventional about the work in there. That\u2019s been my little reference book as I\u2019ve been trying to write because everything they do in that book would make an MFA higher up person tear their hair out. I love it so much because of that. And the speaker of each poem is so sure of themselves, and I\u2019m just like, \u201cOkay. All right. There\u2019s no over-editing in these. So, I got to get back into that mentality of what I say goes, because I know what I\u2019m trying to say.\u201d<\/p>\n\n

I love that about developing intuition and trust within the self. If there is one thing that I have learned from Erin, it\u2019s that institutional recognition is not something you need to succeed as an artist. I loved Bimboland<\/i> so much. Are there particular poets that you find yourself always going back to? I know for sure Emily O\u2019Neill <\/a>is a big inspiration for you. And I know you had a really great poem that was after Mary Oliver<\/a> that I think hit hard on Instagram, didn\u2019t it? I saw it at some point when I was scrolling and I was like, \u201cOh, this is amazing.\u201d I saw your name, and it had thousands of likes\u2026it really resonated with people.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

Oh my god. Richard Siken<\/a>\u2019s Crush<\/i> was my gateway drug. It\u2019s my little Bible. I always go back to that. Always. I just gifted that to this gentleman I\u2019m talking to for Valentine\u2019s Day. I was like, \u201cYou need this. Yes. You are just as emo as I am. This is for you.\u201d There\u2019s something so incredible about that book that I\u2019ve tried so hard to write actual academic shit about it, and I just end up being like, \u201cI don\u2019t know, it\u2019s just really good.\u201d It\u2019s really hard to explain how beautiful and magical it is. I\u2019m trying to think what else I always go back to. I love Dorothy Chan<\/a>\u2019s stuff a lot.<\/p>\n\n

I try to read as many contemporary poets as I can. I\u2019ll go back to Plath every now and again, but I\u2019ve never written a sonnet. I\u2019ve never written anything in an actual form. You can\u2019t make me.<\/span> Sierra De Mulder<\/a>, too. New Shoes On A Dead Horse<\/em> I think is my favorite chapbook from her. So, I\u2019ll go back to that. There\u2019s a weird nostalgia feeling for that because she was one of my first ever poets. That was my first time ever seeing a chapbook on a shelf. And I was like, \u201cI could do that.\u201d Oh, I also love Molly Brodak<\/a> so much.<\/p>\n\n

When you saw the chapbook on the shelf and you were like, \u201cI can do that. I want to do that.\u201d What formulated in your mind how you were going to make a plan of action for that? What were the steps that you took immediately after that, that you were like, \u201cThis is something that I need and want in my life, that I\u2019m going to do?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

There was no question of me not going to an MFA. My major in undergrad was writing in a general sense. The people around me were like, \u201cWell, you\u2019ll get in no problem, so you just have to go.\u201d I figured, \u201cOh, well, that\u2019s when I\u2019ll start writing my chapbook because I\u2019ll have all this time to write,\u201d which is a myth about the MFA. But it really wasn\u2019t until I had that horrible traumatic event, and that brought all of these things I hadn\u2019t worked on up to the surface. The chapbook started to form.<\/p>\n\n

I didn\u2019t know at which point I would get to have a book that\u2019s on a shelf. I use the Law of Assumption. I\u2019m like, \u201cI\u2019ll have this eventually and I just need to do the [first] thing right now.\u201d The success of Final Girl<\/i> was really cool because I am nobody. I have no reach, my engagement is shit, and yet, I have this weird little cult following. And the book, someone buys it in PDF form like every week still, which is very cool for a book that came out in 2019. To go from like, \u201cI guess people read this. That\u2019s cool.\u201d To me, going on Instagram yesterday, and seeing my book on two bookstore shelves, on the Barnes and Noble shelf, was so \u201cHow did we get here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n

When you talk about the law assumption, is that just like you are assuming in your mind that this is real for you?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

Yes. I always assume that everything will work out for me. As long as I\u2019m putting in the effort and the work and I\u2019m working towards it, it\u2019s going to happen. And if it doesn\u2019t happen, it\u2019s the universe looking out for you.<\/span> I assumed I was going to get into a Ph.d. program. I hated my academic experience. Why would I want to be in a Ph.d. program for six years? So, that was the universe being like, \u201cGirl, do you want to live on $16,000 a year for another six years?\u201d And I was like, \u201cGood point.\u201d And because I didn\u2019t get in, I somehow landed this entertainment writing job that I have right now. Especially, in an industry where everything is rejection all of the time, you have to be your own cheerleader. Even if it feels like bullshit, you have to get up, and you got to do what the TikTok girlies are saying. You have to say, \u201cI am lucky.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n

\n\n

Lauren Milici Recommends:<\/strong>
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This is sort of a two-for-one because I wouldn\u2019t have remembered the song if it hadn\u2019t been interpolated but: Charli XCX and Rina Sawayama sampled \u201cCry For You\u201d by September<\/a> in a song called \u201cBeg For You\u201d<\/a> and I completely forgot how beautiful and genius and powerful and fun \u201cCry For You\u201d is. Near-perfect song to scream to in the car.
<\/p>\n\n

Andrea Cabassa released a beautiful song called \u201caquialli,\u201d<\/a> which means \u201chere, over there\u201d in Spanish. I\u2019m just in awe of her writing, recording, and mixing this song all by herself in her Upper East Side apartment. She\u2019s a treasure of a gal.
<\/p>\n\n

I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m recommending a Youtube channel of this, uh, capacity, but Cow Chop<\/a> was something of a sociological experiment that I truly believe our children\u2019s children will study at the university level one day. Highly problematic, very NSFW, and answers the question, \u201cWhat if we did Jackass but on a smaller but somehow more disgusting scale and we also decided to spray literal toxic spray paint into our mouths?\u201d It\u2019s like a car crash that I can\u2019t stop watching.
<\/p>\n\n

The poet Jackie Braje<\/a> has a new chapbook out from Bottlecap Press called 408<\/i><\/a> and I just absolutely adore what she does with imagery in her work. Everything is so pretty and cinematic, like I always feel like I leave earth for a little while and am floating.
<\/p>\n\n

I\u2019m not a big podcast gal anymore, but Wine & Crime<\/a><\/i> reigns supreme for me when it comes to the comedy-true crime genre. It\u2019s three gals with Minnesotan accents that have been best friends since middle school. So not only do we get a type of crime and background\/psych on said crime, but we also get some wild childhood stories and some delightfully funny anecdotes\u2014and they use their social media platforms to raise money for marginalized people in need. 10\/10 no notes.
<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

This post was originally published on The Creative Independent<\/a>. <\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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