{"id":457682,"date":"2022-01-05T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-01-05T08:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thecreativeindependent.com\/people\/musician-and-visual-artist-emma-ruth-rundle-on-showing-up-and-doing-the-work"},"modified":"2022-01-05T08:00:00","modified_gmt":"2022-01-05T08:00:00","slug":"musician-and-visual-artist-emma-ruth-rundle-on-showing-up-and-doing-the-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/radiofree.asia\/2022\/01\/05\/musician-and-visual-artist-emma-ruth-rundle-on-showing-up-and-doing-the-work\/","title":{"rendered":"Musician and visual artist Emma Ruth Rundle on showing up and doing the work"},"content":{"rendered":"

Your latest album Engine of Hell<\/a><\/i> album began when you were staying in Wales. Why that location?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

I\u2019d been working with [the band] Thou<\/a>. I had been touring with my band; we did like a pretty hardcore couple of years to support the last record. I was like, \u201cI need some alone time. I need some time to be totally isolated,\u201d not knowing what was coming. While I don\u2019t believe that going to an exotic destination is the way that people need to write records or that that is a holy grail for creativity, I\u2019m a firm believer in showing up every day to do your practice.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

But doing that kind of thing can be a nice reset. For me, I needed a nervous system reset.<\/span> I needed to clear the debris of touring away and remove myself from my relationship. I\u2019ve stayed over on tours [in the UK] and that\u2019s been a nice place where I found some peace. Walking along the ocean, it\u2019s very dramatic and beautiful. And in the winter time, there aren\u2019t a lot of tourists. So you just get this epic landscape to enjoy the sort of feeling that you\u2019re like the only person alive in this wilderness, which I love.<\/p>\n\n

So I needed to distance myself from some things and I didn\u2019t feel that I was able to show up and do my regular art practice or writing practice without this massive reset.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

You\u2019ve talked about being a really disciplined person. How did you develop that instinct?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

Over time, but also early on. I\u2019ve read a lot of books about self-help and creativity. There is a constant message and theme in a lot of the work that it\u2019s important to re-spark your creative side.<\/span> I love The Artist\u2019s Way<\/a><\/em>.<\/p>\n\n

For me, because I don\u2019t want to speak about anybody else, if I do what I want to do, I will watch movies or Rupaul\u2019s Drag Race<\/i> for three weeks straight and not do anything at all. I won\u2019t feed myself. I\u2019ll lay here doing that. Setting goals and establishing some discipline is so key to accomplishing things creatively. I find that for me, since I do a lot of different things like the visual art stuff and the music stuff, and even within the music stuff, organizing things into projects, and then within those projects, setting deadlines is also really important for me.<\/span> Committing to \u201cOkay, well I know that I\u2019m going to start writing a solo record,\u201d so you book the studio time and that\u2019s your deadline. It\u2019s easy to implement structure from there to say this is my job now so I wake up and I\u2019m responsible. There\u2019s a consequence, if you don\u2019t. No one\u2019s gonna write my music for me; no one\u2019s gonna paint my paintings for me.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Inspiration is great, but you must show up to your practice.<\/span> That was something that was really clear in a lot of the books I had read. I have huge times in my life that are creative dead spaces, and it\u2019s really troubling and frightening. That\u2019s when I have turned to those types of books. I think there\u2019s this message of \u201cYou have to show up and treat it like a job,\u201d and I do believe that that\u2019s true.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

In regard to Engine of Hell<\/i>, there\u2019s this throughline of revisiting childhood trauma and past grief. When you\u2019re treating creativity like a job, and there\u2019s subjects from years ago that you want to revisit from your childhood or whatever part of your past, how do you recognize that it\u2019s the right time to bring it into your creative space?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

At some point, it became clear that that was part of the objective of this record. And I think because my subject is often very close to pain or trauma, that\u2019s kind of what my subject is. That\u2019s another reason why it\u2019s important to have a structure. You need to go in and spend some time focusing on this with intention. Otherwise, I have an instinct to numb out, whether it\u2019s through drugs and alcohol, or watching Rupaul\u2019s Drag Race<\/a><\/em>, whatever, I don\u2019t want to be present for that.<\/p>\n\n

I had come at it from a production standpoint, initially of what I wanted it aesthetically to be like\u2014very bare, very stripped down. Then the content of what it would be started to reveal itself. I also tend to feel that projects have a spirit in a way. They want to become something. This wanted to be this thing and getting out of the way of that or accepting it on the other hand, realizing this was becoming what it was. It became important how I approached investigating this stuff.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Doing this kind of art always has some kind of purpose for me in my personal life\u2014how it\u2019s going to serve me and my evolution as a person, or where it\u2019s going to take me whether that means like with this full band touring around the world, and that\u2019s what I need to do for myself, or if it\u2019s this record, which is where I needed to reestablish who I was not for other people, but for myself, the context of my existence. Where did I come from? What are some of the key events that set me into this behavioral pattern?<\/span> I got sober, while I was making this record, and that was also about pulling away those numbing coping mechanisms and facing the darkness and going like, what is this about? Who is this dark friend that\u2019s just constantly manipulating my behavior? And being disciplined about investigating that, because it\u2019s nice to have a time where you can stop having to look at it.<\/p>\n\n

Typically, my thing is, I will wake up and go straight to work on it like. And then later, if I could approach it again, I would. But it\u2019s nice to be able to say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019ve done that,\u201d and I don\u2019t have to live in that intensity constantly.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

When you\u2019re creating do you find that it\u2019s therapeutic or cathartic?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

With this particular thing, Yes. I had become sort of numbed out and lost a little, and was actively trying to unburden myself, take away some of the armor that I built up and figure out what I was actually feeling. Even since the record has been finished, and I got to that over there\u2014I did that work of making the music, writing the songs, investigating the history\u2014having it be a finished thing, making the videos that I\u2019ve made that go with it, really to tell the story and feel that it exists in a very complete form outside of myself is very cathartic.<\/p>\n\n

In the process of making that record, I don\u2019t even think when I was recording it I understood how life-changing it was. There\u2019s some element of this process that\u2019s a soul retrieval. Where did that piece go? Where did it come from? Let\u2019s find it and pull it back in. Even if it\u2019s not the most pleasant thing to think about.<\/span> It enables you to go like \u201cOkay, well, this is what it is. And then this is the path to move forward. These are the things that I need to do to actually make work and change my life.\u201d If you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re dealing with, how are you going to negotiate change? I think it\u2019s been a long time of pulling darkness around myself so I didn\u2019t have to think about it.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Has that always been the case in the past when you put out art? It feels like a step forward for your own personal growth?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

With the record, Marked for Death<\/i>, it was a little bit that way, but this one is much more intense and surgical. I think with my work in general, I\u2019m always kind of exploring. There\u2019s some kind of quality of, Why? What is it? What are these feelings? In some of the past stuff, there\u2019s music that\u2019s more digestible and more enjoyable to play. Whereas this is not that at all. This is not about anything other than, the stark, lyrical content is really the main focus of it.<\/p>\n\n

By making art or by looking at some of my compositions visually, it can describe a state of mind or a feeling or a sense of being that I can\u2019t express with just words. I\u2019m not a writer, and I don\u2019t consider myself very good at articulating things necessarily in conversation. The reason I make art is because it conveys that stuff that I\u2019m trying to figure out. It allows me to reexamine it. So once the piece is done, by looking at it, I gain more understanding about it, and about myself. One reason why I love looking at other people\u2019s art or listening to it, it can help you snap the pieces into place of your own experience\u2014organizing the chaos.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Were there moments where you didn\u2019t want to face whatever chaos was bubbling up or the dark acquaintance?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

Oh, yeah, every day. [laughs<\/em>]<\/p>\n\n

What is the conversation you have in your head or a ritual or something that pushes you through the process?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

There\u2019s one thing that\u2019s relying on the simplicity of a rule that you set for yourself. It\u2019s like, \u201cGo out for an hour and work on that song.\u201d And I go, \u201cOkay, I can do that. I can do an hour of that.\u201d The other thing I remember is, there\u2019s a voice in me that goes \u201cYeah, I don\u2019t want to do that. I want to cancel all my day.\u201d There\u2019s some voice that\u2019s like, \u201cNo, you can\u2019t do that.\u201d It\u2019s anxiety that\u2019s horrible and crushing, and tells you to not do stuff. And I\u2019ve gotten old enough, and experienced it enough to know that if you do something directly opposed to what that specific energy is telling you, you will feel better.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

That\u2019s the kind of self work that\u2019s difficult. That\u2019s actually self-care. I used to think self-care was about taking a bath or whatever. But it\u2019s going out to meet someone that you said you would meet even though that voice inside you is like, \u201cyou\u2019re probably going to die if you go outside.\u201d I mean, that\u2019s been more real in recent times, but I\u2019ve kind of had this feeling my whole life. When that thing is telling me to not go work on music, to not focus on my art, while it might feel good in the short term to give into that\u2014I do think it\u2019s important to know when you need rest\u2014ultimately, I know that by doing something directly opposed to that voice, by doing the thing it doesn\u2019t want me to do, I will almost always feel better.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

I think this probably happens to other artists where you\u2019re gaslighting yourself constantly. So it\u2019s important to have some key principal truths that there\u2019s no way to reason out of. That simple rule of: If you have a deadline coming up, go to your desk and work for an hour because that\u2019s doable.<\/span> What you can think of that as digestible, whereas if you were to say to yourself, \u201cAlright, eight hours a day for five days a week on my process,\u201d for me, that\u2019s like too big a chunk of time that I\u2019ll just go, \u201cNo, I can\u2019t do it.\u201d Reminding yourself that whatever that voice is, it\u2019s always going to try to trick you, but you have to just do the opposite of what it says. Then having practices that are doable and digestible.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Do you notice the tone between the voice that tells you you need to rest versus the voice that is trying to trick you? Are they different voices?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

No, sometimes they\u2019re not. Which is hard, because I think it\u2019s easy that one day of rest can very quickly become a week of not having accomplished anything. That\u2019s why I do think deadlines are important because then you can\u2019t spiral out into nothingness.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Yesterday I had a really hard day. I was just crying a lot and had kind of a nervous breakdown. And today I was like, \u201cOh my god, I\u2019m relapsing in my depression in a really dark way.\u201d And another voice was like, \u201cLet\u2019s just be let\u2019s look at this in an objective way. Let\u2019s take away the emotional reactions to everything and look at what\u2019s just happened.\u201d<\/span> This is going on, you\u2019ve been to four doctor\u2019s appointments in the last two days; you spent eight hours on interviews with people on the phone. I have chronic pain in my legs at the moment, which is fine, I\u2019m working on it. But I had to look at things in an objective list and go, \u201cOkay, I didn\u2019t have a nervous breakdown out of nowhere, because I\u2019m relapsing into depression for no reason.\u201d There are real things that are happening that have led me to a point of exhaustion and emotional fatigue. That\u2019s totally okay, and also it will pass. So what I can do for myself is eat food. [laughs<\/em>] Even though my legs hurt, I can still make myself go on a walk. And I can still watch RuPaul\u2019s Drag Race<\/i>.<\/p>\n\n

That\u2019s the highest point of what my being is able to do is to try to stop, drop and roll with emotional reactions to things and break them into facts, which is also the approach to the creative process and practice, right? Take away the emotion. Like, \u201cOne hour, I can do that.\u201d Put aside my reactions for a second and step up to that. That kind of analytical thinking about things is something I find very helpful, but I\u2019ve had to learn how to do it. My natural state is total chaos in my mind. If I don\u2019t feel good one day, it\u2019s the end of the world. So I\u2019ve had to learn how to think about things in a more removed sense. And then tell myself that stuff.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

Engine of Hell<\/em><\/strong>, which is intentionally different sounding from your previous work, was also captured in live takes. I read that you had to pick between ones that captured the emotion you were going for versus ones that were more lyrically or instrumentally accurate. What are you thoughts on dealing with imperfections and accepting flaws?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

The idea and the motivation for wanting to capture imperfections and going for a take that has the best emotional quality where there are technical flaws\u2014singing out of tune, instrument out of tune, fucking up a lyric, playing it wrong. You cannot write that stuff into music and have it be authentic. It happens. And that\u2019s a magic thing about being human.<\/p>\n\n

It was so important for this record and making the record effective emotionally, for me as a listener, when I hear that in other music, live, or on certain albums where the album was recorded in that way, it immediately connects me to the person and that this is a human being having a moment in time. It makes it very real and humanizing. It\u2019s lightning straight to my heart, and it disarms me completely.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

It\u2019s easy to dehumanize. With how the media is now, we look at people through social media or on the TV or whatever, and even now, more so with the lack of gathering and all that stuff. We don\u2019t necessarily think of the depth of the character of these people and their lives and their experiences and how they\u2019re a friend or a family member in the way you take their everything about them into consideration when you hear them say something to you. Hearing that on a recording like that Sibylle Baier record <\/a>Colour Green<\/a><\/em>. When I hear her little nuanced moments\u2014this is a woman in time, in a room with a life revealing this part of herself. It moves me. It unlocks all this feeling and I don\u2019t have this wall. There\u2019s a depth to the character. There\u2019s a depth to the experience. And there\u2019s a connection that takes place.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

So I wanted that in this music because of the nature of the content and taking away all the effects, the goal was to have very direct delivery, and that to connect with the listener and in a disarming way, it would be important to show flaw; it would be important to be very humanized. It\u2019s not meant to be executed perfectly because there\u2019s nothing about human experience that\u2019s perfect. There\u2019s nothing about the stories on this record or the memories of it that are perfect at all. I wanted there to be a level of honesty in it that revealed it as it is. It\u2019s a warts-and-all approach because life is messy.<\/span><\/p>\n\n

\n\n

Emma Ruth Rundle Recommends:<\/strong>
<\/p>\n\n

Here are my five things to spark or maintain creativity. Especially good for times when it\u2019s difficult or finding it hard to make work.<\/em>
<\/p>\n\n

Spend 5 to 10 minutes of your morning writing down what you can remember about your dreams from the night before.<\/strong>
<\/p>\n\n

Write down five things for which you are grateful.<\/strong> Can be simple or profound. For example I usually include oatmeal on my list and the relationship I have with my sister. It\u2019s not against the rules to repeat things on your list from day today but I try to include current interactions or observations. For example\u2026 I am grateful for the kind conversation I had with the person at the market yesterday. Another example\u2014I am grateful for the color on the leaf that fell outside my window this afternoon. Go to town.
<\/p>\n\n

Mindfulness walk or outdoor time.<\/strong> I take a walk every single day but I realize this isn\u2019t possible for everyone for a number of reasons but the combination of light exercise with time outside my living space is helpful for fighting off stagnation and sadness. A modification of this could be to sit in a chair and open a window then take in the air for a few minutes while moving your arms around to music.
<\/p>\n\n

Set small, digestible goals for yourself.<\/strong> Only you can know what that means. And it changes from day to day. Some days I know that I can\u2019t do as much as other days but having a deadline can also help. That way I can set realistic goals overtime that lead to the desired outcome. I like to reward myself for doing these things. \u201cI will practice my instrument for 1 hour today,\u201d \u201cI will paint this two inch section of eyeballs on this canvas today,\u201d and \u201cI can watch my favorite show\/ or go have a nice coffee\u201d once I\u2019m done. I have to treat myself a little like a child sometimes in order to make work. This isn\u2019t always possible but it can help.
<\/p>\n\n

Find new things and force exposure.<\/strong> For example, it\u2019s uncomfortable to listen to new music but it can be good for my brain station. The library has free books. Sometimes it fun to just go there to look in an unexpected section and check out a book on woodworking. Learn how to Vogue from a YouTube video. Access can be an issue in some places for sure but take advantage of anything around.
<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

This post was originally published on The Creative Independent<\/a>. <\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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