The week’s legal rulings come as a hallowed capstone on an already perfect record wherein Trump has lost on every key issue, civil or criminal, in every major legal fight, starting with his over 60 failed court challenges to his election loss; none found any evidence of substantial fraud, though some managed to get his attorneys disbarred. In their wake, of course, more than 1,000 rioters from Jan. 6 have been charged, and over 480 have been convicted – including former Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio, who on Tuesday got 22 years in prison, the longest sentence yet. Trump’s multiple failures reveal the chasm between the paranoid bombast and inane excuses his “sycophant Keystone attorneys” serve to the rabid likes of Fox or Newsmax, and the actual (not alternative) facts required to win in a court of law. His fate looks still bleaker now that he’ll be facing juries of ordinary Americans who largely follow the laws he’s brazenly flouted – any of whom, if they’d committed a fraction of his crimes, would “already be eating meat loaf and creamed corn.” In short: “Lock him up.”

New York A.G. Letitia James is trying her best, with judicial help. Wednesday, a judge denied a motion from Trump’s lawyers to delay his fraud trial, scheduled to start Oct. 2, charging the grifter-in-chief inflated his worth by up to $2.2 billion to get lower taxes and better insurance coverage in what James calls “just the tip of a much larger iceberg of deception.” She seeks at least $250 million in damages and an injunction banning Trump and his evil spawn from doing business in New York again. In his denial, Judge Arthur Engoron was so unimpressed by Trump’s “arguments” he rejected them in a nine-hand-written-word slam that bore only his initials, not full signature: “Decline to sign; Defendants’ arguments are completely without merit.” The day before, he ruled banks, insurers and other companies dumb enough to do business with Trump had to turn over their communications in the name of “the public’s right to access”; meanwhile, James is seeking $20,000 sanctions from Trump et al for re-hashing “frivolous” legal complains already dismissed in court.

Also on Wednesday, a federal judge essentially found for the third time that Mr. Moved-On-Her-Like-A-Bitch raped writer E. Jean Carroll decades ago, has stupidly, cruelly, crudely continued to make defamatory statements about her, and will have to pay her an increasingly large amount of money for his transgressions against her and common decency. Trump was already found legally liable in a civil trial for sexually assaulting Carroll and ordered to pay her $5 million; when Trump couldn’t STFU, Judge Lewis Kaplan ruled in Carrol’s favor again: He declared Trump did “rape” Carroll “as that term is commonly used” in every context outside New York’s narrow penal law, granted her summary judgement for what was clearly defamation with malice – one observer: “Trump is malice incarnate” – and said another upcoming civil trial will only determine how much money Carroll should get. She is seeking $10 million; supporters hope she will “end up with all his stuff,” hopefully including Trump Tower, which she can then turn into the world’s tallest, glitziest migrant housing.

So many cases, so little time. Wednesday also brought news that Mar-a-Lago IT worker Yuscil Taveras – aka “Trump Employee 4” – has reportedly flipped and struck a deal with special counsel prosecutors in the federal case over classified documents; in exchange, he will not be prosecuted. (“Alexa, what is the opposite of Teflon? Prisoner Number P01135809.”) In Colorado, a watchdog group representing six voters – four GOP, two Independent – is suing Secretary of State Jena Griswold to stop her from putting Trump on the primary ballot, citing a part of the 14th Amendment that bans any candidate who has engaged in or supported insurrection; they join a growing number of scholars across the political spectrum who argue the stand is not just valid but “a Constitutional imperative.” Trump took to his failing site to calmly rebuke them all: It’s a “‘trick’ being used by the Radical Left Communists, Marxists, and Fascists…their candidate (now Crooked, not Sleepy, Joe) is the WORST, MOST INCOMPETENT, & MOST CORRUPT President in U.S. history,” etc.

In Georgia, more losses. Fulton County Judge Scott McAfee, presiding over the election racketeering case, denied MAGA accomplice Kenneth Chesebro’s motion to separate his case from Sidney Powell; both rats from a sinking ship will go to trial on Oct. 23. The trial date for the other co-defendants, who’ve all pleaded not guilty, is unclear, but A.G. Fani Willis says she wants to try the cases together on the same date. Enticingly, McAfee’s hearing on Wednesday was broadcast, a first for Trump’s legal troubles. And in D.C., SCOTUS put on its November docket a case brought by Bay Area labor attorney Steve Elster, who’s been fighting to trademark the phrase “TRUMP TOO SMALL” – per an infamous 2016 debate exchange with Marco Rubio – on t-shirts after a lower court found it violates a federal statute requiring written consent from anyone named on a product. Elster says that denying the trademark would go to “the heart of the First Amendment.” He also says, in the meantime, buy his t-shirts: in medium, large, extra-large, “or in the size of Trump’s manhood, small.” Like his humanity.